... DreamBook ...DreamHost Apps : Free WordPress hosting at your own domain and more!
PARTNER RAPE
IS

REAL RAPE


Join the Aphrodite Wounded Facebook Page Follow the Aphrodite Wounded Vlog Follow the Aphrodite Wounded Twitter Page

 
Javascript DHTML Drop Down Menu Powered by dhtml-menu-builder.com

READ THE GOOD, BAD AND SILLY RESPONSES PEOPLE MAKE TO SURVIVORS OF PARTNER RAPE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Please feel free to share a response you've had here.

Survivor's Name: Tatt2dhrt
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: -I dont know about that!
-He would never do that!
-I am going to ask him if it is true.
-Why are you telling us this now?
_I dont blame him
Response came from: Sisters
How Survivor Felt: unvalidated. I was in disbelief after having poured my soul out to them. I felt and still feel like I have to beg them to have my back. They still hang out with him and call each other in laws.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I didnt say anything. I couldnt think of a single thing to say to them then. Now, 7 years later, I dont give a damn about them and we have no sisterhood.

Monday, September 30th 2013 - 03:42:12 PM

Survivor's Name: HB
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "I really feel sorry for him after all this" and "he is a good guy, don't try to tell me otherwise, I met him I could see he was a good guy"
Response came from: my older sister
How Survivor Felt: completely abandoned, let down, like a bad person unworthy of her support, wrong, guilty, alone.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

where is your sympathy for me, your sister? it's not about him being a good guy or a bad guy it's about me having been raped by him. please support me. you bitch.

Friday, June 21st 2013 - 07:24:17 AM

Survivor's Name: Tracy
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: After disclosing losing my virginity in a multiple person sustained assault to a friend (it happened years earlier and I was just testing the waters to get her attitude about sexual assault). My friend said, "I'm really sorry that happened, I have a lot going on right now with my sister and I can't really be available to you."
Response came from: Amanda (friend)
How Survivor Felt: I felt so ashamed and weak. Lonliness washed over me when i realized if no one would care about the violent unpredictable assault, I believed I was only feeling raped because of my past and I was just being triggered because my husband (an otherwise loving husband and father) kept crossing boundaries we agreed on. I decided not to disclose that my husband had been using alcohol, sleep deprivation, pouting, and moderate force to assault me for about 6 months. It continued for 18 more months before I disclosed to a therapist.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

That she was wrong to ask for details of my assault and be a listening ear for the humiliating specifics only to voice that it was just to much for HER o handle. I blame myself for not being honest with how relavent the last assault was in my marriage.

Wednesday, June 19th 2013 - 11:23:51 PM

Survivor's Name: MarieClaire
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "We were in a cycle of wild sex" "It wasn't rape.."
Response came from: Ex-Husband
How Survivor Felt: Disgusted, Hurt, wondered if I was lying to myself

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Get off my property before I stick a bullet in your head. Or "how on earth have you justified this in your head?"

Monday, May 13th 2013 - 11:02:25 AM

Survivor's Name: faeriedust
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "If you had come forward, ohhh let's say, seven years ago, or so, the outcome of your case would be completely different". And also," the officer on scene wasn't in bed with the two of you, now was he?"
Response came from: Detective wright, of the Aurora Colorado Police Dept.
How Survivor Felt: Hurt, angry, enraged, guilty, hopeless, ashamed

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

How dare you! you, a sex crimes investigator, of ALL PEOPLE, should never, ever, BLAME the victim, or SHAME the victim!!! You are supposed to be advocating for me, you son of a bitch!!!!

Tuesday, April 23rd 2013 - 04:56:01 AM

Survivor's Name: faeriedust
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "If you had come forward, ohhh let's say, seven years ago, or so, the outcome of your case would be completely different". And also," the officer on scene wasn't in bed with the two of you, now was he?"
Response came from: Detective wright, of the Aurora Colorado Police Dept.
How Survivor Felt: Hurt, angry, enraged, guilty, hopeless, ashamed

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

How dare you! you, a sex crimes investigator, of ALL PEOPLE, should never, ever, BLAME the victim, or SHAME the victim!!! You are supposed to be advocating for me, you son of a bitch!!!!

Tuesday, April 23rd 2013 - 04:55:18 AM

Survivor's Name: faeriedust
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: My Mom, after thinking about how long things had been going on, and how many repeated times my husband raped me, responded with: " I AM SO FURIOUS WITH YOU!!! YOU KEPT ME OUT OF THE LOOP! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?" I had to simply walk away.....ugh.
Response came from: My Mother
How Survivor Felt: It made me feel completely invalidated, hurt, and furious!

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I would love to have said something like...." you are worried about not being " in the loop?" Are you fucking kidding me? your daughter has been raped! Repeatedly! For seven years!!! And you are worried about the fact that I didn't come to you first? How self-cenetered can you possibly get?

Tuesday, April 23rd 2013 - 04:47:04 AM

Survivor's Name: BellaDonna
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "I can only assume you're reporting honestly. But if that's the case, I don't understand why you're still with him."
Response came from: Someone I thought was my best friend
How Survivor Felt: Weak, powerless, betrayed, ashamed.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Wish I'd said: "Unless you're planning to take me AND my kids in until I can find a job, you have no right to criticize me."

Sunday, April 7th 2013 - 01:57:40 PM

Survivor's Name: Fiona
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: I was told to take responsibility for my rape, implied that i was lying from the woman in charge of the investigation and she enjoyed smirking about the low conviction.
Response came from: Nina Hedley
How Survivor Felt: Furious and deeply disturbed that someone in her position would find the low conviction rate funny. The implication I was lying was given just before my second statement and it ruined it, I couldn't continue with the statement the way I was able to before. The police are sometimes the rapist best friend.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I made a complaint to the IPCC as the investigation was ridiculous. I have nothing to say to her, my only wish is that she's held accountable for her actions. I think she's an utter disgrace, too women and the human race.

Wednesday, January 23rd 2013 - 09:47:31 AM

Survivor's Name: dove
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: You were married for 40 years, that how it was in those days.
Response came from: Daughter
How Survivor Felt: Devastated. every time I'm with her she devastates me with her comments.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I wanted to tell her I was forced to marry him as my mother caught him raping me at 16 and i was so ashamed I couldn't tell her I'd been unwilling. He threatened and abused me throughout the marriage fear was why I stayed. He almost killed me with his brutality and I got a window of opportunity and left instead of waiting for him to finish me off.

Sunday, January 6th 2013 - 08:33:00 AM

Survivor's Name: Natalia
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "Report some of it if you want, but really, let's not pretend that most of it wasn't just 'kinky sex'"
Response came from: A female police officer in the SOCAU unit
How Survivor Felt: Outraged, astounded, invalidated. Initially I was in too much shock to respond and instead sat, silently, feeling completely submerged in loneliness.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I don't think that any response from me would have felt 'right' or helpful. Rather, now I wish I had taken the comment to somebody higher and raised hell with the complaints department. Trained in sexual and domestic violence? I think not...

Thursday, January 3rd 2013 - 09:14:34 PM

Survivor's Name: Louise
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "Now listen, dear. Why are you focusing on these horrible things? Why don't you go and take a Chinese cookery class."
Response came from: A well-intentioned member of my family
How Survivor Felt: Like slapping my forehead.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Well, I COULD cook you a new brain! I just love non sequiturs (because partner rape has so much to do with Chinese cookery, right?) I am not to blame because you feel uncomfortable and can't understand that sometimes, it's thinking actively about trauma that helps us heal.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:21:05 PM

Survivor's Name: Starfish
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "You're not in any danger, he's not going to hurt you." This was when I called a friend after I'd been raped again by my ex.
Response came from: A friend
How Survivor Felt: Small, insignificant and incredibly alone

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I didn't say anything at the time. I hung up the 'phone and sat on the kitchen floor crying.

What I would have liked to say, "How dare you say that you moron! Just when does it have to become dangerous enough and me hurt enough for you to see and hear me?"

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:19:49 PM

Survivor's Name: Sucker
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: Rape is only what women say when they lead a guy on and then change their mind.
Response came from: Fiance
How Survivor Felt: Unheard. Unloved.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

THOUGHT: Yeah. I like looking up from a good book and seeing a penis staring at me. I like being choked. I like having his whole hand shoved up inside me. And who the H is he and how the H did he get inside my house?

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:18:22 PM

Survivor's Name: threetimes
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: Why did you have to drag all this up now? (40 years after the first rape)
Response came from: Daughter
How Survivor Felt: Like I had been slapped in the face.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I had a choice in this? I sure didn't ask for these memories to come rushing back.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:17:09 PM

Survivor's Name: Threetimes
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: Are you sure it is a REAL memory?
Response came from: Oldest Daughter
How Survivor Felt: Ticked off.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Wanted to say: No. I am probably making it all up. Just like you made up the story about being raped by a co-worker.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:16:06 PM

Survivor's Name: Sucker
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: Daddy wouldn't really hurt you. He loves you.
Response came from: Daughter
How Survivor Felt: Foolish. Why would they believe me when I tried so hard to keep them from seeing the violence?

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

THOUGHT: You wouldn't be here to say that if your dad had succeeded in making me miscarry.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:14:46 PM

Survivor's Name: Chi
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: Well, that was a long time ago. You're over it now
Response came from: Friend from church
How Survivor Felt: Minimized

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

If I were over it now, would I be talking about it so cautiously and with so much pain?!

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:13:18 PM

Survivor's Name: Ruling Venus
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "I don't remember what happened. I was drunk. I'll go out and buy you a freakin' card (to make up for it)." on the answering machine!
Response came from: Partner/Offender
How Survivor Felt: Like the inmates were running the asylum.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I laughed my ass off. I'm still in the thick of waiting for the danger to be over. But when I heard this, I couldn't find myself fearing someone who sounded so ridiculous. ...I did receive a card in the mail, by the way. It was just as ridiculous as the message on the answering machine.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:11:58 PM

Survivor's Name: CBT
Type of Response: Ridiculous
What Response Was: "You should have known to avoid him - he's been doing this for years!"
Response came from: my (ex) boyfriend
How Survivor Felt: Incredulous.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

"*I* didn't know about him."

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:10:08 PM

Survivor's Name: Louise
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "Not all men are like that" (in hostile tones)
Response came from: Too many to count
How Survivor Felt: Frustrated and hurt

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Um, I don't believe I ever stated or implied that all men are "like that." I'm telling you about the ones who were like that to me, or who are like that to other women. Why don't you stop being a defensive ass and listen to stories of men who batter and rape, and also do something to challenge their behaviour. If that is your only response, we have nothing more to say to eachother.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:08:11 PM

Survivor's Name: Louise
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "If you don't leave him, I wash my hands of you"
Response came from: A self-righteous "friend"
How Survivor Felt: Ashamed, pressured, controlled, unworthy of friendship.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Didn't say anything at the time. I guess I would have done so if I hadn't been so pathetically grateful for crumbs and driblets of friendship. I would have liked to have said "I'm sorry your help - which I didn't ask for btw - is so conditional. And you are helping me to feel as worthless and stupid as my abuser does." Or in short, "Shove your help straight up your clacker."

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:06:50 PM

Survivor's Name: Cherish
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: There was no penetration? Then what are you so upset about?
Response came from: religious leader
How Survivor Felt: Like I had no right to hurt and all the work I'd done to heal was useless because I hadn't "earned" the right to feel the pain I'd felt.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

:
I have no idea. I just wish I'd never told him. The damage this did unravelled years of healing and set me on a path of reinjurious behavior trying to finally get "hurt enough" to *earn* the right to feel the pain and grief I felt.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:05:27 PM

Survivor's Name: threetimes
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "Where do you know him from? Where might he have seen you? Why would he come here if you hadn't led him on?" This is on a case of stranger rape, in my own home in the middle of the night. The perp was a repeat offender with a tendency to peek in lighted windows to find a victim. Mine was the first reported house that night. There were two other events reported. We don't know if there were any unreported attacks.
Response came from: Police officers called out to the house:
How Survivor Felt: Like they had beaten me with their billy clubs.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

My response to the questions were, "I don't. I don't know. I have no idea." If I could go back in time with the strength I have gained: Where do you get off telling a kid she is to blame for being in bed, where she belongs. How about you find the shit and put him in jail where he belongs.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:04:04 PM

Survivor's Name: threetimes
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: You are married to him. It's your job to provide him with sex.
Response came from: Friend at church
How Survivor Felt: Like a drama queen. I was just attention seeking.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

You try being choked by the man that supposedly loves you. Just because you dared to tell him "no" one time.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:02:52 PM

Survivor's Name: Taylor
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: I'm so pissed off! Why would you tell me that?! And why would you stay with a guy who would do that to you?!
Response came from: A friend
How Survivor Felt: Ashamed, Embarrassed, Like i should have kept my mouth shut

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I just stayed silent at the time. What i should have said was I understand you're upset, but so am I! And you acting like this is not helping me. So if you can't handle it, I understand, but don't ask me questions like that again b/c now i'm getting pissed off. (wish i would have had enough courage to say that!!!!)

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:01:25 PM

Survivor's Name: Ruling Aphrodite
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "You did this to us!" (making us/the household scared of him coming by angry afterwards)
Response came from: Sister
How Survivor Felt: Angry!!!

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Yeah *I* did this! Yeah, it was me. (Overly sarcastic). Clearly, she's a moron.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 07:00:01 PM

Survivor's Name: Ember
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "You said he raped you? There's no such thing as rape in marriage– it's impossible!"
Response came from: My Pastor
How Survivor Felt: Completely abandoned.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I said nothing, but I woud have liked to ask him what his wife would say to such a statement!

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 06:58:51 PM

Survivor's Name: CBT
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "If you don't tell me who he is and what happened, it means you liked it"
Response came from: my (ex) boyfriend
How Survivor Felt: Incredulous, angry, sick, humiliated.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I told him that I hated him and he needed to get out of my house. He asked me if I really wanted him to leave. I wish I'd said "yes".

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 06:57:21 PM

Survivor's Name: CBT
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "......."
Response came from: My (ex) partner's flatmate, after he heard my ex rape me in the next room.
How Survivor Felt: Erased. I though his flatmate was my friend, and that he'd help me if he heard me screaming.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I wish I'd asked him why he didn't help me.

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 06:55:38 PM

Survivor's Name: ScarletRose
Type of Response: Unhelpful
What Response Was: "He was old, he didn't know what he was doing" followed by, "oh, he did that to me too".

"I just don't think you're life was that bad.."
Response came from: My Mother
How Survivor Felt: Offended; abandoned; betrayed; neglected; disgusted; angry

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

... Uh... he knew exactly what he was doing...... and .... Seriously? You chose to take me to a person's home that you yourself had been abused by? Are you hearing yourself?

Wednesday, January 2nd 2013 - 06:54:05 PM

Survivor's Name: Loved
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: Various.

"Call me if you want to talk to me about it. Don't feel obligated to talk about what happened, but even if you're just feeling down, you can call me."

"If you can't talk about it to [insert necessary authority figure here], we can do it for you. Just ask."

"Don't feel bad about being afraid, but just so you know, we're not letting him in this building."

"I can't begin to understand what you're going through, so please just let me know what I can do to help, if anything."

"Is it okay for me to hug/touch you? If you need more space, please speak up."
Response came from: My best friends, all men.
How Survivor Felt: Loved and safe. And amazed. My experience occurred at the hands of a sexual partner/"friend," but my male friends did not try to push help on me. I felt relieved that I wasn't being pressured to open up, and proud that these men (my "big brothers") were so willing to accept me once I did. I was especially proud that they actually recognized that they could be supportive without trying to convince me that they "understood" my experience.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

I want to say this: "THANK YOU, I love you, and I couldn't have come this far without you." Now that I am no longer afraid of being touched (except wile panicking), I just want to hug each of them and tell them just how important they have been as allies. It's hard to find the right time to get these things out, since I know it's not easy for them to hear about.

Wednesday, November 2nd 2011 - 02:39:52 PM

Survivor's Name: Starfish
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: "You know what I think...I think he's a complete sh*t. I can see how he exerted complete control over you." This was after I'd disclosed about the rapes, the photos and videos.
Response came from: My solicitor
How Survivor Felt: Really heard and believed and supported. This was a horrible time after I'd got away from my ex and I was feeling utterly defeated by all the crap my ex and his solicitor were spouting. I've had many helpful responses but this was such an important response at a time in my life when I was really suicidal.

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

At the end of the litigation I wrote to my solicitor and said, "Thank you for your time, your patience, and professionalism dealing with all this. I do not think you understand just how much you and your team’s support and help has meant to me."

One of the things I really wish I'd said is, "Thank you. I don't think you know that what you said that afternoon in August helped save my life"

Saturday, July 30th 2011 - 09:27:21 PM

Survivor's Name: Louise
Type of Response: Helpful
What Response Was: "You were not stupid for not leaving. You were trying to survive."
Response came from: A counsellor
How Survivor Felt: Amazed - I'd never considered that there was another way to see myself than as the idiot everybody around me seemed to believe I was. It's easy for people think you can resist fear vwhen your life is being threatened...

What survivor said or would like to have said to this person:

Thank you for being a skilled reframer of poisonous truisms. You advanced my healing incredibly.

Friday, July 29th 2011 - 06:04:36 PM

[ Share a Response | Back to Aphrodite Wounded ]


This Dreambook brought to you by
DreamHost Web Hosting