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kiera knightly topless

Mr. and Mrs. Clinton were invited to a baseball game.
Immediately after the conclusion of the National Anthem,
the President grabbed Hillary, andwith some strain, heaved
her over the railing, dropping her flat onto theplaying
field. The umpires ran up to the President, and quietly
stated:"No, No Mr. President....we told you to throw out
the "First PITCH."

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill
looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person
very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw
ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of
course,
then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window
and
make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I
could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy."

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living room
quarters at the White House and said, "Dad, Mom! I have
some great news for you! I am getting married to the
greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and
his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey I
have to talk to you. Your mother and I have been married a
long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered
much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around
with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother,
and I am afraid you cannot marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she
eventually started dating again. A year later she came
home and very proudly announced: "Robert asked me to marry
him! We are getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation
and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too.
Honey, I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her
mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess
I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-
brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to
what he says, dear. He's really not your father."

Al Gore was arrested for shooting a spotted owl. When he
got to
court, the judge said, "You know it's illegal to shoot
spotted
owls. They're an endangered species."

Gore replied, "I know, your Honor, but I was lost in the
woods
and I was starving. That poor owl was the first food I had
seen
in three days!"

The judge took pity on Mr. Gore and said, "Well, I'll let
you off
with a warning this time. It's obvious that you were trying
to
survive. Just don't do it again."

The vice president swore that he wouldn't and thanked the
judge
profusely. On his way out, the judge stopped him. "By the
way,
Mr. Vice President, how did it taste?"

He thought a moment then replied, "Not bad ... not bad, a
lot like
bald eagle."

As Bill and Hillary are lying in bed one evening, Hillary
looks at Bill and says, "Oh honey, by the way.... I've
hired a new intern. Her name is Lorena Bobbitt."

Q:If Bill and Hillary Clinton were on a sinking ship, who
would be saved???

A: The United States of America.

The Clintons were in a terrible plane crash and all three
died. When they got to heaven they approached the Throne
of God and God said to Chelsea, "Why should I let you in
heaven?"Chelsea answered, "I am the daughter of the
President, a representative of all the children in America."

God said, "Very well, you may sit on my right side." Then
he said to Bill,"Why should I let you in heaven?"

Bill answered, "I am the President of the United States, a
representative of all the people in America."

God said, "Very well, you may sit on my left side." Then
he said to Hillary, "Why should I let you in heaven?"

Hillary answered, "I don't know, but you're in my seat!"

1. I can get jiggy with it. Just ask my homies at the
NACCP.

2. Vote for me and I'll let you stay over the White House
at affordable rates!

3. Vote for Gore and I'll host a pay per view special: The
Unveiling of Bill Clinton's Sex Dungeon.

4. Give me the power to start a nuclear war and find out
why they call me "Gore."

5. Don't hate me because I'm stiff. It didn't hurt Bill!

6. You have to vote for me: I've already rearranged all
the White House furniture to suit my Feung Shui needs.

7. Try AL GORE PM: My longwinded speeches will help you
sleep like a rock.

8. I worked hard to get where I am. George W. Bush was
simply the first sperm cell to reach the egg!

9. I'll clean up Bill's mess: One intern at a time!

10. I may be embalmed but I'm drinking milk.

On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that
the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had
named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased
after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said
the proprietor.

Al Gore was arrested for shooting a spotted owl. When he
got to court, the judge said, "You know it's illegal to
shoot spotted owls. They're an endangered species."

Gore replied, "I know, your Honor, but I was lost in the
woods and I was starving. That poor owl was the first food
I had seen in three days!"

The judge took pity on Mr. Gore and said, "Well, I'll let
you off with a warning this time. It's obvious that you
were trying to survive. Just don't do it again."

The vice president swore that he wouldn't and thanked the
judge profusely. On his way out, the judge stopped him. "By
the way, Mr. Vice President, how did it taste?"

He thought a moment then replied, "Not bad ... not bad, a
lot like bald eagle."

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary took off to visit
a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her
hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn,
he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across
the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody
wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they
wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on
the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the
floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there!
Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I
want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up
and races for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approached
him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news,
and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The
officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and
tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al
Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel
so....so....so....betrayed! My own Vice President!
Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's
handwriting."

"Run Hillary Run!" bumper stickers are selling like
hotcakes in New York. Democrats put them on their rear
bumpers Republicans put them on the front.

Have you heard about the new Al Gore bonds the Treasury
Department is pushing?

They have no interest at all.

As Bill and Hillary are lying in bed one evening, Hillary
looks at Bill and says, "Oh honey, by the way.... I've
hired a new intern. Her name is Lorena Bobbitt."

When Hillary worked at her law firm in Little Rock, a
client called her and asked if she would answer two
questions for $500.00. "Sure," she replied, "What's your
second question?"

Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of
formica?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service
agents?

A: He's the stiff one.