survive
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| Name: | dream_wth no_heartship101 |
| Comments: | Hi my name is Dream. I attend Marshall High. I am a rape victim. I was raped by my own father a year ago. To this day i take counseling. I have been abused for life. My innocents was stolen from me on February 23 3007. 1 day after my bday! I was a virgin when it happened! and after that day, i promised myself that I wouldnt give myself to boy or man. I am a lesbian. I have been since I was 14, I am now 17. I have attempted suicide 5 times but have failed. for any of those who fill my pain and would like to communicate somehow then you are free to email me at anytime.... my email is concieted_girl_101@yahoo.com!!!! Thanks for listening!
Dream |
| Name: | torn_n_2 |
| Comments: | Hi my name is ?. I would rather leave it unsaid...,.! I am a rape victim! I was raped when I nwas 16 and now im 17!!!! I has a baby by the cruel animal who dreads to be called a man!!! I love my daughter!!! But the circumstances make it hard for me!!!! I live in Chicago Ill. And i attend Marshall High....! |
| Name: | Beverley |
| Comments: | Hi I've just been on your web site to read up on self harm and suicide. I have self harmed for a while now and my suicide thoughts are becoming really strong. I try and find different ways to harm but my favouriate at the moment is a really hot shower. This never scares my skin but leaves prounced red marks on my body for hours.
I was abused when i was 14 and still to this day i have never told anyone. Sadly this repeated itself 6 years ago at the age of 24 and again i have never told anyone. I have carried this alone and i still feel that it has to be this way. I have proviously cut myself and left scaring and i have also starved myself to the result of loseing stones in weight. Sadly over the past couple of months things have been really bad. I hate myself so so much, i think that i'm selfish and ungrateful. I have fantaises that the next person walking past me in the streets will stab or shoot me, yes i know, getting someone else to do my dirty work. Pathetic in i!! I feel like i will have to live like this for the rest of my life, i honestly dont see a way out, only death. it's crazy. I dont know if i have done right by sending this e mail but then whats right anymore? Bev |
| Name: | Cristal clear |
| Comments: | hey i just felt the need to write on this but i duno why. its been 7 months, getting much stronger and even mangaged to go on holiday alone recently. im proud of myself. good luck to anyone else, we can ALL get through this! |
| Name: | nola |
| Name: | Rachel |
| Comments: | Hey all. It's been almost 8 years, seems so weird been that long. Doing ok and finally found someone to open up to and share my life with.
Although he is aware of what happened, he still doesn't know what to do when i get scared sometimes. He gets very confused and hurt, of course i am usually in such a bad way i can't explain it to him. as i know many of you will have experienced the same thing i was wondering if anyone knew any good websites/phonelines that provide support for partners. thankyou and blessed be. |
| Name: | Sheena |
| Comments: | This is for Roxanne,who left the last message!Dear Roxanne,as your young you feel embarassed,ashamed to tell anyone the suffering and torment through your daily life.Do not despair,you are not alone,If you try your hardest to get through the Evil and Torment that someone has given you to carry,you eventually will be peacefull with yourself,you never forgive or forget some Evil Monster who has inflicted this upon you,I was 5yrs young,my father Inflicted his ritualistic Evilness upon my tiny shoulders,I have grown,and had 4 children of my own,who I am immensely proud of.and have taken it upon myself to think..Didnt I do well?I am a Special,Good Heartd Person,who has respect for all,except Paedophiles!My Father still lives,and as a Caring Nurse and Human Being,I cannot wait until he,himself is judged,after all,God judges you by the Good and the Love that you give and show to all that is good in your life,try and do your best,and be a better person for yourself,You have done absolutely nothing wrong..Please do not torment yourself,as you are worth more,that that,I hope that your life from now on,will be good for you,it will not be easy,but life is what you make it,and what other people make it for you,You will not forgive and not forget,thats called being human,sendjing you my Love and Strength,Your Friend,Sheena(I have written a letter to this site,earlier,hoping that it may help or guide someone)May God Bless Youxxxxxx |
| Name: | Roxanne |
| Comments: | HI i really dont know what to write here but im going to try and hopefully will help me with my daily struggle to deal with my past which has affected my hole life. I applaud everyone who has the courage to speak out and deal with what has happend to them. xoxoxo. well im only 19 and i was molested when i was 5yrs old by my grandfather, i was to young to realised what had happened yet i told my grandmother who had raised me and it went to court and he got off even to this day it still haunts me thats he is still out there. I then went to live with my aunty in australia and was rape countlessly by my uncle even though i knew it was wrong i never said any thing even till this day. My daily struggle is so hard i am on so many different medications to help but i know the only way for me to deal with it is to talk yet im to scared and ashamed about everyone knowing that it has happened to me. In my early teen i have tried to commit suicide to get rid of the pain i alson became a cutter feeling the i dererved to feel pain and that it was all my fault. I have now realised that none of what has happened is any of my fault and i knw many others who have been through the same thing and yet i can offer them words of encourage ment yet i still cant let go of everything that has happend and it will ruin my life till i can finally learn to deal with my past. but a big thank you goes out to whoever opened this web site it has been a great help knowing that there is somewhere where i can talk and not feel ashamed because we are all in the same boat thanx ROxanne xoxoxxo |
| Name: | GFW |
| Comments: | Here are 2 excellent articles and a Psalm.
"Peaceful Heart: A Woman’s Journey of Healing After Rape" http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/peaceful.html and "Rape Trauma Syndrome:The Journey to Healing Belongs to Everyone" http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html Survivor Psalm I have been victimized. I was in a fight that was not a fair fight. I did not ask for the fight. I lost. There is no shame in losing such fights. I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status. I look back with sadness rather than hate. I look forward with hope rather than despair. I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember. I was a victim. I am a survivor. © Frank Ochberg, MD & Gift From Within |
| Name: | Ree |
| Comments: | i was molested by my older brother from age 5 to 11... i havent told anyone about this. i am ashamed and sometimes feel as though i was also at fault for not telling my mom. it still eats me up inside everyday and i think about it constantly. i still feel like that lonely abused little girl.
reading all the other entries makes me feel less alone.. i hope to one day have the courage to tell my mom about what happened to me right under her nose. much love! |
| Name: | Amy Warren |
| Comments: | it's nearly been a year since i wrote on the dreambook and the reason i'm writting today is because it's nearly been three years since my attack and i am still really struggling to move on. so last year i wrote a letter and am desperate to send it to make more influential people aware of what happens to innocent victims of rape! i would really appreciate it if anyone could tell me where to send my letter so i can try and help make a differnce to all the people who have been a victim of rape, assault, harresment, paedophillia etc. any ideas and/or addresses?
thankyou x x x x x |
| Name: | Ravi R |
| Comments: | I heard it is an excellent site |
| Name: | Jean |
| Comments: | hi to everybody, for all your very sad accounts of what has happened to you, i say accounts as i hate using the word stories as it sounds like your making the whole thing up.i feel like i need to tell you that i was sexualy abused from the age of 8 till i was 10 by my uncle i found the strength in 2006 when i was 34 to bring it out in the open it took 2yrs for it to come to court but i was shocked but ilated when he was found guilty of 7 counts of child abuse including rape he was sentanced to 26 yrs but only has to serve 12.i just want to say to other wimen out there that these perps out there can be brought to justice.1 less out there roaming the streets!!!!!!!!! |
| Name: | a survivor in the making |
| Comments: | Im keeping a blog just now of my "fight" trying to survive now while im doing therapy and opening up of my past,
its an honest account of how things are day to day and week to week, and i write what comes into my head, no second drafts,i dont read it as i know id deleate it, im sure im not alone in the feelings so if you want a look to know you arent alone too then please do any comments are welcome http://survivorinthemaking.blogspot.com thanks |
| Name: | Tiana |
| Comments: | Survive notelets are now available. £3 per pack of 4 including P&P.
http://www.survive.org.uk/cards.html All monies raised by the sales of the cards will go directly to Survive, to help with the cost of web hosting, the production of educational resources, ie leaflets and fact sheets, and towards broadening the Survive support network. |
| Name: | Tiana |
| Comments: | Ani- Re your suggestion about notelets with the survive logo. It's a good suggestion, and I'm looking into it. Will let you know when they're ready. Take care everyone. |
| Name: | Emma |
| Comments: | Its been awhile since I visited this site, I was doing ok I think, it feels too much today. My friend keeps askinh what Im struggling with., what do I say? Just abit lost at the minute. It will pass I guess xx |
| Name: | Ani |
| Comments: | tonight I feel such despair.
I know tomorrow is another day and i will go on. rape is such a painful and for so many of us a private pain. It is heartening to read of so many survivors and yet depresssing that this crime goes unrecorded and unrecognised. How i want to do more yet feel disabled. This web keeps me in touch with others who feel like me and for this i am grateful. |
| Name: | Sharon |
| Comments: | Whenever I'm feeling at my lowest, I'll visit this website. And I guess I must really be my lowest now, because I'm leaving a message. I was raped at the age of 15 by my boyfriend. It was the first time I had had sex. Before this he used to hit me on a regular basis. After the rape I stayed in the relationship for a further two years, then he ended it. I buried the incident for several years afterwards, telling myself it didn't matter. Then I became more aware of how important it had been, told a few people. It happened nearly twenty years ago and during all that time I've tried so hard to beat it. Tried to reverse the effects that it had, the depression and feeling of numbness it left me with. But I've yet to succeed. It's felt like a prison sentence for the whole time, and I'm so exhausted. It feels too big for me to beat, and too intangible for most people to understand. I don't want to leave a negative message, I guess I'm here to say that I appreciate all that goes into the site, and I'm not giving up x |
| Name: | anne |
| Comments: | I was hurt a few days around this site has helped me a lot thank you |
| Name: | Ani |
| Comments: | I continue in my quest for justice for the sexual abuse of my disabled daughter and 2 others known to me.
Awareness is a huge part, and the xmas cards you produced were a good tool for me. I would welcome more of these in the form of notelets which I would use in the endeless letters i write. Is this a possibility, different front, blank inside with logo either inside or as before on the back. What do you think Tiana |
| Name: | c.appleton |
| Comments: | im a self harmer and found it helpful appleton.c@merseymail.com thankyou xx |
| Name: | She |
| Comments: | Anyone who visits this site...I understand.I dont how you feel,If u need my guide,leave a message here/She |
| Name: | CloeI |
| Comments: | I was abused from age 7-17 by my cousin and ended up pregnant although i had a miscarriage.I've never soken about what happened and sometimes find life difficult though i'm a bit better and am now doing GCSE's ' college. Cloe |
| Name: | She:-) |
| Comments: | I hope that my short mail left in the guestbook has helped some lost little Soul,maybe unleashed some feelings,The Mental torture of a Child,A Human Being,carrying such a terrible Burden upon Tiny Shoulders can be,so unbearable and difficult to Comprehend...Why!...and maybe asking yourself Why Me????God gives us as much as we can carry,and a Child,carrying such torment,was put on this Earth to grow ito a Special,Loving,Caring Human Being,With Respect for others who are tortured with their Memories of Abuse,I admire anyone who can take The Biggest Step in their lives to share their Story withg someone who understands,You are not alone,you are not by yourself,you are in my dreams and thoughts as I lay my head on my pillow,My Love is with you my Special Friends,May God Bless You,and guide you into becoming a Lovely Human Being....Your Friend!Shexxxxxx:-) |
| Name: | She:-) |
| Comments: | *****TRIGGER WARNING**********
Talk of child abuse ******************* I was Raped and Tortured by my Father from the age of 5 until 11,I have grown up with difficulties in understanding how a Human Being could do such a Terrible thing,especially to a child that they have created for this world!!I was riuch pickings for my Father as my brother was sent to boarding school,as a little girl I used to have to plan how to stay out of the house for as long as possible to diverse what I knew was waiting for me!A Drunken no Good Father,Smelling of Ale!My mum is Lovely and didnt know a thing!A pretty Little Girl with Big Green Eyes and Red hair,pleading with my Mum to stay at my Lovely friend Lindas and her family,never belonging to my own Family,Never speaking a word,always a Happy little thing,trying to please and make people laugh at me.Not understanding or confronting my Father until I was 23,I grew up Hating him ,wishing he was Dead!What he had done was with me until I died,or maybe until he died!He had remarried remarried,and I was about to get married,going to his house and speaking to him to tell him I didnt want him to give me away,and for the reason why!!No one else knew,I had Four Children,who I am so proud of:-)Feeling guilty when they got in bed with me,Feeling guilty when I bathed them,Feeling guilty when I changed their nappies...Why would someone do this to me?I am 47 now and Think about it every day!I accomplished Training as a Nurse,and have been in the profession for 28 years,My Father unfortunately still walks this earth,I am not a wiked person but I cant wait until he dies,I shall open Champagne at his Funeral and make sure that he goes down that Big Black Hole,To Hell!!I have passed him in my car and Thought of running him over,but I wouldnt want his blood on my hands!He had to move address as hes done this to others....Yes other victims,maybe if Id of said something...But I had no one and was constantly threatened and terrified,How can he walk with a smile on his face,My Children know,they dont know him Thank God,I hope his Balls fester and he has the most painfull death going,as a Caring Nurse I would willingly put a pillow over his head,to save others from Misery!I know this sounds daft, but when it snows my kids and I are going to throw a Large Boulder through his window,with a note attached reading PAEDOPHILE!Any Paedophile who has Therapy doesnt go to get cured,as you cant cure a Sick and Evil Mind!They go for Company,Because they share a Bond!To Destroy the Pure Innocence of a Child!I have turned out Great considering!!!!!Although I do carry this with me!I reported him to the Police,he was arrested and read out my 14A4 size sheets of Abuse,of which he denied and said I would never do that to my Daughter,I Love my Daughter!!How sick!A common Trait in Paedophiles saying they would never do that!!And yes!I do beleive in God.My Father will not be allowed through the Pearly Gates,He can Repent all of his sins until Doomsday,The only thing waiting for him is The Grim Reeper!!Hoorah!For all those Paedophiles who get their cum-uppence in Prison!And God Bless any Child who has the Courage to tell someone who Beleives in them!I Hope I have helped someone with this note,Love and God Bless,signing off In TearsxxxxxxShe:-) |
| Name: | Shelley |
| Comments: | Hi. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm working on a book about recovery from sexual abuse. I'm doing this totally independently (sitting at home on my computer) so I can't promise a great best-seller or anything, but I would like input from people.
My aim is to write a relatively short book, focusing on coping strategies we use as adults. At the moment, there are books specifically for survivors, such as “Courage to Heal”, but these go into a lot of graphic details of abuse and can be quite disturbing to read. There’s also general self-help books that are a bit more uplifting, but aren’t aimed at survivors. My idea is to combine the two, and make a “self-help” book for survivors which is positive and informative, but doesn’t include upsetting descriptions of abuse. It will mostly deal with the coping strategies that we use now as adults. I’d like to use my own experiences and those of other women to put together ideas which are easy, practical and have actually worked for us. I am also trying to make the book fun and humourous (without being offensive, of course.) What I would really like to know is what has been most helpful to you during your recovery process? |
| Name: | tiana |
| Comments: | Yes, I do find this time of year very difficult to cope with. You're not alone in feeling this way. |
| Name: | ... |
| Comments: | Does anyone else find this time of year really hard? |
| Name: | tiana |
| Comments: | I'd just like to thank all who've left messages in my guest book in 2007. It's sad to see so many in pain and having gone through some difficult experiences. However, for those of you who can't see the end to the hurting, I'd just like to reassure you that it does get better eventually. But, it takes time and hard work. Don't give up hope.
Take care, and i wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and safe New Year. |
| Name: | Renee Brideau |
| Comments: | Was raped and hated it and now I blame everybody including myself |
| Name: | Nikki |
| Comments: | I really thought the stories i read were very helpful and encourging. |
| Name: | Andy |
| Comments: | Hello,
It is a well written description. Better than most on the same subject. Could use extra stuff like to tips on how to avoid feelings of derealisation? |
| Name: | Brad |
| Comments: | There's always going to be that sense of protection - self protection - when you're in a place of fear, guilt, pain, whatever. I've always seen when people reach out, it's always difficult for them to do so, but they're more often than not been happy with the results.
I don't think you can just reach out to anyone, or to everyone, but those people in your life that you *more* than trust, those friends in your life, you trust for a reason. Go at it alone if you feel you have to, but at some point you'll need someone in your corner and there are people, friends, that are there for you and won't look at you any differently. Good luck. Remember, it's not your fault! And also always remember, don't beat on yourself if you find yourself smiling. There will always be reasons for happiness, no matter the sadness you come from. |
| Name: | Sierra Austin |
| Comments: | hey i'm so sorry that, that happened to you.Well I'm sitting here doing a research paper on rape and i came across your story. |
| Name: | Alex |
| Comments: | I came across this site whilst looking for inspirational quotes and have read some of the entries. The only piece of advice I could offer is that, for your sake and others, let no one away with this horrendous crime. Report it now - if you can't do it alone, then trust in someone and get them to help - there must be someone to whom you can turn - be sure that they are strong enough to help you be taken seriously and treated with dignity. Good luck! |
| Name: | martanni |
| Comments: | Have bought the xmas cards.As the mother of a a victim I can and do talk about this,those with first hand experience ar rarely able to or indeed given the opportunity or support to do so.I hope that these cards will alert people to this hideous crime which far too often goes unreported unrecognised and the perpetrator not penalised.
We who are able, must be the voice of victms to achieve changes in the law. Buying these cards is a start. To all the victims out there, may you heal and move on to love yourself, and be loved. |
| Name: | white dove |
| Comments: | Dear Survive web viewers,
It makes me so sad to see this sight. I have been raped several times but there is no need to share the details. Everyone here knows how much pain, sadness, fear and anger comes from rape and how you cannot ever 'just get over it'even though people who have not been raped will expect you to 'bury the past'. This will sound extreme but it is the truth of the matter: What makes me angry is that there are hundreds of rape victims everywhere, in Eastern Congo, all over Africa, Europe, America, Asia... and no one (police, authorities, government etc.)NO ONE ever really does anything to STOP RAPE. Only women seem to understand eachother (and not even all of them) and most men just ignore the issue but until everyone (men and women, especially those wielding power) acknowledge the problem nothing will happen. RAPE is a deeper societal problem: look at the porno industry, porn stars resemble singers, actresses (Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, the list goes on) and everything in this world seems to boil down to selling SEX, selling especially female SEX, (sexy women, breasts, buttocks, legs etc). SEX does sell, peopleuse sex so other people will buy cars, fridges, phones or trophy wives. Too much SEX is making our world sick, too much money is spent on the sex industry (the billions Playboy etc make) and not enough money is spent on noble causes (famine, stopping rape, ending violence, curing diseases)... SEX is everywhere, on TV, on the internet, in magazines, in the way people look at you, in the way women are encouraged to be sex objects by wearing mini skirts etc. and then women get blamed -very often- for being raped. RAPE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THIS SOCIETY CHANGES deep within.... and this may never happen |
| Name: | Leona |
| Comments: | People say it'll get easier with time, but it doesnt.
i feel like it's getting harder and harder to cope, i was raped a few years ago and for the first few years i found i could just put it to the back of my mind. Now its all i can think about. Not sure how to get back to just being me. |
| Name: | Emma |
| Comments: | I am trying to deal with this on my own I cant do this much longer its too hard. |
| Name: | Nicole |
| Comments: | I was sexually abused as a child and i have yet to tell anybody the truth. I'm just not stong enough. The shame and guilt is too great and it doesn't help that my abuser is still around. I'm about ready to give up but i want to survive this. I have so many dreams. |
| Name: | Rose |
| Comments: | I felt very unsure about how I was supposed to ‘move on’ and ‘get over it’ when every time I got undressed I’d see the scars, every time I had something to eat I’d imagine him in my mouth, every time I saw broken glass I’d remember him forcing shards of it inside me, but I just knew that I should be doing better that I was taking too long dealing with it all, that people were bored of listening to me moaning about it, of course none of that is true but that is how I felt.
Just keep going though, keep going. x |
| Name: | emma |
| Comments: | he raped me last weekend and I dont know what to do |
| Name: | Me |
| Comments: | I have never been raped or known of someone close to me that has. In short, I can't imagine what you all had to go through or will continue to go through in regards to your emotional state. All I can say is that I hope God is with you and those close to you.
You're all in my prayers. |
| Name: | martanni@hotmail.co.uk |
| Comments: | My beautiful learning disabled daughter was the victim of atempted rape at Camphill Blairdrummond in Scotland.Despite her attacker being caught in the act, staff put her back to bed alone, did not contact family till the next day, the police for 3 days.Police took thre months to interview the suspect, during which time he was caught assaulting two other women.He was not prosecuted for my daughter as she cannot speak yet the other two women received justice last week. The discrimination here is blatant yet no one at Blairdrummond has ever been held responsible.She lost everything, and they said they did not want to make a fuss. |
| Name: | jane |
| Comments: | i was raped 24 years ago, and thought i was coping well with it i was raped by my boyfriends best friend, who thought it would be a good laugh to do what he did, and then brag about it to my boyfriend who also laughed at the visit from the police, didn't laugh much at the station though. ( you can aprreciate he was dumped), but as i said i thought i was coping well until attending a lecture on breakaway techniques and self defence ( i'm a mature student nurse), one of the two actors played a character who was being nursed at home, and who would not take no for an answer, this brought it all back to me again, and i did not really aprreciate just how raw the wounds still are even after all these years, in the end i had to leave the classroom and explain to my lecturer afterwards why i had left. though i have a very supportive partner, i feel that he does not always understand why i get so worked up about it, he does apprecaite though what happened, happened and nothing acan change that, i may have been just 14 years of age when it happened but i have no intention of letting my daughter go through it too. So when she is older she will be taught self defence. |
| Name: | redhawk |
| Comments: | I am an incest survivor. I was 2-10 years old. I did not speak for two of those years. I have had therapy but I still get massive waves of sadness that are hard to live through. Does this happen to anyone else?
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and attachment disorder. |
| Name: | Lane from thecru |
| Comments: | I am a survivor with mpd/did. Whose dreambook is this. |
| Name: | ellen |
| Comments: | I was raped 14 years ago today. I keep trying to forget the date as I don't want to spend the entire day reliving what happened. Sometimes I pretend I don't know when it is or try and convince myself it's tomorrow but it's no good. I feel so weak for still caring 14 years later but I can't help it. I don't like feeling that he won.
However, it has got much better than it was and I'm with a great guy now who means the world to me. There is hope out there you can't ever forget what happened but you can learn to deal with it. |
| Name: | TandCrew |
| Comments: | We just found this site are are taking a look. |
| Name: | CG |
| Comments: | i feel dirty and sick even writing this. it feels like i imagined it, maybe it never happened but i have vivid memories. the sound of his voice, the excruciating pain, the scrubbing in the hot bath, i feel alone. tainted and utterly alone. |
| Name: | Liz |
| Comments: | Hi, I was sexually abused for 8 years as child and it took me years to get over it...now I am 23 and had for the most part moved on with my life, until a party nearly a year ago that changed everything again. I was raped and find myself reliving the past over and over again.....can there be healing again?? |
| Name: | nothing |
| Comments: | nothing |
| Name: | ALI |
| Comments: | ASK THE SURVIVE WHAT ELSE IN THIS WORLD 00982166362535 PENTALAX.ALI@GMAIL.COM |
| Name: | ali |
| Comments: | hi i survive at nightmare every thing not result 00982166362535 pentalax.ali@gmail.com |
| Name: | Rose |
| Comments: | It does get easier well, perhaps not easier, but certainly less oppressive- - just keep going!!x |
| Name: | Kat |
| Comments: | Hi Guys!!
Well I was raped when I was 21, and was gang raped when I was 27! I am 34 now and I am finding it really difficult to move forward, I still live in the past, everything reminds me of the rapes, I have put alot of weight on since it happened and now cause I am fat whenever I look in the mirror I see my attackers looking back at me as it is cause of them I put weight on! Wil it ever get better!!! I hope so! |
| Name: | Billie |
| Comments: | I am 18, i live in a small town in southern kentucky. i was raped for 12 years by a man who was supposed to be my father thank you for helping me throughout this time! |
| Name: | caz |
| Comments: | this is an amazing website. Keep up the good work.
I was raped 6 years ago and I thought I was dealing with it all but it has come back with avengance. I now suffer badly from panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks that take over and make me pass out. I have now found a person that is here to help me to support me but most of all to understand me and even though some days are very hard, some days are hard and other days I just survive I am a survivor and thats what counts. We are all survivors and we should all stick together and be there for one another. May each and everyone one of you that find this web site find peace and find the right path back to happiness. Stay strong!!! |
| Name: | K |
| Comments: | I was sexually abused from the age of 7 - till i was 12 then off and on until last december when the same person came back and raped me again, got me preganant and then i misscarried just to add insult to injurie... im 17 now.. all i have ever known is him and the pain
sad but true.. |
| Name: | tiana |
| Comments: | I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has left messages in the survive guestbook. I read each and every one of them, and appreciate what you all say. It saddens me that so many have sad stories to tell, and so many are struggling. But, it does and can get better.
Time is a great healer, and there is truth in the old saying "no pain no gain". It's not easy; it's really hard to go through this, but everyone of you have the strength inside of you to deal with it, and take control of your life, and start living it again. Take it one day at a time, and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter and wider, till one day you notice that you can laugh and enjoy things, and actually feel alive once more. Hang onto that thought. Take care, and remember you're never alone. |
| Name: | Jeangeniex |
| Comments: | Does anyone else suffer constant tension headaches? Mine has lasted years now and doctors say it is all down to the experiences i had as a child. |
| Name: | li'l miss incest |
| Comments: | There are days I wonder why - through all the beauty there is in life - I would wish to spend a moment on those evil things and let them even relive in my thoughts and give them space and time - when life is so beautiful - and earth so filled with compassion
But within that space a moment comes for all - within that journey to know that even then beneath it my heart is cold as ice, I shy away from any loving hand and run away from the warmth of being - damaged - like an uncaring, cool breeze i saunter - distant and unable to open up my heart to say this and this alone - I love you my friend and my heart is yours... And you have opened to me a path - I have opened this page now and I know within this ocean so blue I will find warmth and succour and the healing I need to move from surviving damaged and unable to give and share in the same normal way - shy and terrified - to being - I'll wear it like a badge, a scar, my name in my lonely heart. Li'l miss raped. |
| Name: | sammy |
| Comments: | i was raped nearly 8 years ago and i am still struggling to cope. my son was born on the 2nd anniversary of the rape. i self harm most days as it makes me feel better. this site has been brilliant for me as ive never received any professional support and it makes me realise im no the only one and that im not just some kind of wierdo! |
| Name: | Destinee |
| Comments: | I'm 17 yrs old and I was raped 3 weeks ago. This site has helped me to understand things a little more. I was also sexual abused from the age of 3 til i was 12. I have had a lot to deal with and the rape has made things worse. I'm just trying to undestand the " whys " of everything. This site has done a lot for me though to kind of undestand that I'm not alone and there are people out there who have gone through the same thing. It's a definate inspiration and it lets me know that I can survive this event and move on with my life.
Thanks. |
| Name: | melanie |
| Comments: | The Sum of Mel's Experience Is Not Her Essence.
I had all my life ahead, And only happiness behind. I knew just where to tread, And exactly what I'd find. In a flash, everything changed, The path of my life was rearranged. I made the choice for you to leave, "It's all ok" - I tried to deceive. Then it's dark - maybe a dream, Pain, shame, bleeding. Feeling unclean. I was beaten and bruised, torn and broken, Of all these things I had never spoken. "Where's the smiles, laughter and figure? Why are you getting bigger and bigger? This is wrong - I have no doubt. But I'm so far down, I cant see a way out." I helped you all to grow and thrive, Couldn't you see I wouldn't survive? Then there was nothing left to give, I made the decision. I chose to live. Now I'm back, I'm here. Look at me! I laugh, I cry, I'm finally free. I feel it now, in all your presence. The sum of my experience is not my essence. From Mel (raped by fiance 7 years ago, and repeatedly beaten for 8 years before and after the rape) |
| Name: | Ania |
| Comments: | Raped 1yr. and 5mo. ago |
| Name: | mightsurvive |
| Comments: | I can't express how much help ths site has given me. I've read everything that I can cope with at the moment and this site has saved my life. I felt so alone before. I still do but slightly less. The way I see it only one of us will survive and I refuse to be the one who doesn't survive now that I've found your site. I have thoughts of going back to haunt him and hurt him badly. I'd never kill him, that would be an easy get out for him. I nearly died when it happened so I know what it can feel like. If I went to prison for that it would ruin my life, but hey, that already happened and things can't get worse than they already are. I don't think the police can help. Even if he was convicted it would never be enough for me. I do have a conscience. I don't want to make him suffer because I know I'm a good person but if I don't then I don't think I can survive this otherwise. I feel I have 2 choices: become as evil as him or die. Dying would be my easy option but I refuse to let him win. I need help so badly. I promise I'm not going to do anything until I have my head straight and can make a sensible decision. I don't think I could go through with it anyway now that I've calmed down a bit but if I were to do anything, I don't think my marriage would last. At the moment that's the only thing I've got left to hold onto and I'm worried it won't last anyway. My husband doesn't seem keen on having lengthy conversations about what I'm going to do about it. He says he's not bothered and it's in the past but he's never been able to talk openly about his feelings, who can blame him though after such news.
Anyway, Thankyou so much for this wonderful site. It has saved my life today and I have no doubt that it has saved countless others. I intend to contribute in the future so I can do my best to help others but right now I'm not in the right place to do that. I have the utmost respect for Tiana and all of the other contributors, whose articles I've had time to read. Especially the article When you feel you can't go on and the information on date rape. might survive |
| Name: | Deb |
| Comments: | Reading the entries on your site I know I'm not alone. Going to court on 23rd July (next week) against my attackers. It's only taken me 25 years to do something about it. Whatever the outcome I had to do something, doing nothing wasn't working. I'm scared stiff but I don't feel I have a choice. I have to at least try. Evidence this late after the event is very slim pickings so it's going to be my word against theirs, I think.
Police have been very supportive and being believed is a huge thing for me so I've already got something out of it. Also I think I held onto the events of that night knowing on some level that I would need to recall them one day. Making my statement to the police released me of them in some way, although I still need to hold on until after the trial before I fully let go of them. I'll be thinking of all of you out there when I go to court next week. Keep me strong x |
| Name: | inner peace |
| Comments: | I have been to this site off an on for the last 8 years. It was that long ago since I was raped (it's still hard to say) by a "friend." It was often times all I could do to come to this site where other people knew how I felt and had the lost feelings that I have had. Although my friends that I told were supportive they would never know how it felt and I would never want them to know. I am no longer in that place where he controls my thoughts and haunts me. I have since learned that I are not my past. He is a creep and deserves nothing and I have not and I don't think I can forgive him, but I do know that he no longer has a hold over me. I am not my past and I am love. I hope this helps in the healing process as I heal every day and the pain slips away. It will always be a part of me, but it does not control who I am or who I can be. We are stronger than the word rape and we are a million times stronger than the men who took a piece from us that day. I hope you all can find your peace and know that is does get easier. |
| Name: | Hopefull |
| Comments: | Heart questions
forgive me father for i have sinned but i had to break the silence fo all the bad things they have committed only you can forgive and forget and only you can provide me with answers why me???????????????????????? the question i keep asking the question i'll be asking 10 yrs later hoping to get an answer right now no reason is good enough i wont throw in the towel now i wont shed the tears now coz i have put it in y heart both sides that God is on my side but never forget i can not forget that day my life changed and the future will never be the same again |
| Name: | Daphne |
| Comments: | I think that if many young women could visit your website they will not only find healing but also help on how to prevent future similar tragedies |
| Name: | I don't want you to know |
| Comments: | I am 12. I am a girl and I feel alone. I just made random incisions on my thigh today. the pain feels wonderfull. I have also scratched myself with a pin on my wrist. if you cut your thigh your oarenst don' notice and it hurts more. thats what my now ex-boyfriends friend told me. and he was right. my parents don't know and I don't want them to! they'll think I'm crazy! i can only tell my friend Brandi because I know she won't think I'm crazy and she won't tell she will over look my many flaws ad try to help me. my Friend Samantha I don't want to tell because she said if I cut she wouldn't want to be my friend. my freind eithne has a worse case of cutting than me so she won't help but I feel good talking about it with her because we have the same problem. I would like to tell my teacher (my dumb school doesn't have a guidance counselor) but they are obligated by the law to tell my parents about it! and I don't want my parents to put me in a hopital thats like a prison. yes, I have read many thinsg about those places. they would think i'm suicidal too. hated theorpy. they are stupid, those theorpists! "and that makes you sad?" OFCORSE IT MAKES ME SAD! ARE YOU BLIND! I"M CRYING MY EYES OUT HERE! they don't get it. they pretend to know how you feel when they don't have any idea. I want to find one of those websites where I can talk to people with the same problem but I can't find one really! please. |
| Name: | waiting |
| Comments: | i was in a controlling and manipulating relationship (also raped throughout but it took a while to realise) for 15months. 10 months into the relationship we broke up i believed he was cheating on me 2 weeks after beaking up he was IMing me telling me he needed a f*** needed 2 f*** me no one else needed it right there and then. half hour later he came round i let him in thinking he was coming to talk i was in the bath he got in tried to touch me i said no he got moody got out i got out put a towel round me he led me into the bedroom and raped me. it wasnt violent but i cried so heavy and loud saying no no no i dont want to be a f*** i dont want this. he stopped "what you crying for your putting me off!" then continued to rape me when he had finished he got up and left. 6 weeks later we got back together where he continued to rape me every saturday night when he had taken drugs, no escape. 6 months later we broke up. he stalked harrassed and threatened me i reported everything to the police and gave them a copy of that IM message from all those months ago he was arrested and his bail ends in july by which time he will have been on bail for 21 weeks. in this time i have also found out that 17 years ago he raped a 14 year old girl which he was let of for due to lack of evidence. he has a record as long as his arm for violence towards women. so i have written evidence that he wanted to F*** me (his words not mine) written evidence for rape i see it as. i pray this goes to court if not he will no doubt kill me and my daughter or at the very least make are lifes so bad we will wish we were dead. can the CPS refuse to take on a case where there is written evidence of what he wanted to do and with his history or am i going to be left feeling like i have been raped all over again that same sick heavy feeling that i felt all through that awful 15months |
| Name: | letter writer |
| Comments: | Frustration builds, deep inside, so deep- growing inside. Building up, threatening to erupt, burning in a hot tunnel of dismay. No one knows. All alone, and no one knows. Humiliation complete as I shake and sob and scream and pray for help, pray for release. And cut and I am STRONG. Pop to the surface, glass beads of crimson, beautiful beads pop to the surface and wait, before rolling down the skin trickling down the skin in a line of ecstasy, and I am FREE. There is something inside me other than him, and every drop proves to myself that I am ALIVE and part of this earth and this pain is real and anyway I deserve it, deserve to feel bad and violated and the crippling shame that overwhelms me as I gape in horror at the marks across my skin and realise what it is I have done, and I am WEAK. |
| Name: | Mum |
| Comments: | I was sexually abused when I was a child, from a very young age until I was 12. In those days it was not talked about or understood by many and so I kept quiet. When I was in my thirties it all came out and I ended up in a mental hospital when I tried to take my own life.
I am in my fifties now and my daughter was raped last year. They call it acquaintance rape as she knew her attacker. She was raped and sodomised, ran undressed into the street - he was in his forties, she was 17 and still he has been found not guilty due to lack of evidence. The jury decided that there was not enough evidence to suggest that it was not consentual. The police could not have been more supportive, she was lucky enough to have the help and skill of the only Home Office paid specialist in, I understand, the South and South West of England and we both now have the Rape Crisis centre to be our courage whilst we build back our strength. Less than a month ago a young girl was raped and took her own life as nobody listened to her, and a young relation of a very close friend of ours was stabbed to death.......my daughter's heart went out to those people who could not stand up and have their moment to tell the truth. This is a tribute to my daughter, for being so strong - all those around her who support her (they know who they are) - but I would also like to take this as an opportunity to think of those who are less fortunate and so don't have the chance or the ability to face up to their attackers and put a strong foundation down to allow themselves to start healing. Use this website, use pen and paper to express your feelings, go to the top of a secluded hill with a close friend and scream, do whatever safe thing you can to relieve the hurt, take courage and find support. For my part, I must take comfort in the fact that I could empathise with my daughter and that, with support, she will not endure the loneliness of living in silence with the harrowing memories. As a brief addition, why should the government not fund more specialists in this area. They appear to happily support minority groups which I applaud and yet sexual abuse, rape etc affects, I have read, a great number of people. |
| Name: | hurt |
| Comments: | i was raped 3weeks ago but until i spoke to my mum i didnt know i had been raped. I knew the boy through a friend of a friend.
we got on quite well, i invited him round one evening, while my family was on holiday. we watched some tv and then went to my bedroom. we were just having a kiss and a cuddle on my bed, when it turned into something that made me frightened. he got up pulled me by my leg of my bed i fell on the floor, he dragged me of the floor by my arm. he said to me that i wouldnt be able to fight back because he was stronger than me. he then walked out of my room, i assumed he had gone to the toilet but he didnt return for a while, i heard a noise coming from my mums room. i walked in and he was there lying on my mums bed, i didnt understand what he was doing, he asked me if i had, had sex on her bed before which i replied no. he pulled me onto her bed pulled my trousers off and raped me i said i didnt want it, but i was so scared i didnt fight back i didnt want him to hurt me. he was very rough which was what confused me as with previous partners everything was so gentle. i didnt feel relaxed at all. i used al my strength and pushed him off. he then said where am i sleeping then and i said your not get out of my house to which he replied i guess that means the sofa unless you would pay for me to get a cab. i went up to my bed and left him on the sofa, however i didnt sleep all night. worried about the stranger who id trusted but no longer did that was downstairs in my house. in the morning i was up and dressed i went to wake him up. he asked for a glass of water, which i got him and he took one sip turned to me and said if wasnt a real man id throw this over you. then he went. i havnt slept since then i attempted to commit suicide i havnt been to the police because i am scared. i saw him this morning going to work and i missed my stop so that i would not bump into him. i felt sick. i do not hate him i just do not have trust in men anymore. it was only three weeks ago, i cannot move on i have told some people that have been helpful but i just want a cure, i wish i could go back in time and erase it. im 18 my life has just begun but i feel more like it is towards ending, |
| Name: | flubber88 |
| Comments: | From what have seen here i think if there could be any forum on how rape can be reduce it will definately stop. thank you |
| Name: | L |
| Comments: | i was raped a year ago by my daughters dad the case was dropped to the lack of evidence.
every day is hard for me to deal with whats happened to me and that the police were less than helpful and supportive to me. i have read about other women who have been through the same thing i admire their strength i wish i had that strength some days are better than others for me especially when my 4 year old daughter asks questions about her dad i end up in tears which upsets both me and my daughter. will i ever get through this will i ever be able to trust another man? i hope i can |
| Name: | Letter writer |
| Comments: | I'm having a bad day.... i hate these days the days where you realise once again that it'll never truly be ok again, its been two years now and i have these days less....but to have to have them at all seems heartbreakingly unfair to me.
Well done as per, to everyone who logs on and comments, you help me to realise that i'm doing ok-and that i'm not going insane for feeling the way i feel. Keep going, we can do it! x |
| Name: | c |
| Comments: | nobody but my boyfiend knows what has happened to me in the past. until the other day i felt i needed to tell someone about what happened but felt that there was no way i could. so instead i have written all of the violent and sexual abuse i suffered at the hands of my ex. i have written it as though it was a story and allthough at times its upset me to write certain parts i feel better for releasing my true feelings and i also feel proud of myself that this was the life i led for seven years and now feel proud that i have came out stronger and have survived his evil ways and have became a better person and mother because of it. infact i would love to know how to turn it into a book of my life and poems to show anyone else in the same situation that you can over come marital rape and understand its as serious and degrading as any other case. i want to share my story. best wishes to everyone who logs on to this marvelous site. |
| Name: | David Boyle, London Wimbledon |
| Comments: | Congratulations on your courage at attempting to deal with an all too common issue. My partner has been affected by similar issues in the past, she was raped while tied up with rope "just for a photo" and I hope that your web site will inspire others in similar situations to find the same courage.
All rape is the most vile cruelty and the only thing that can reduce it is the courage of those affected. |
| Name: | kate |
| Comments: | I am 25 years old, married with two beautiful kids. I escaped my nightmere several years ago and vowed to start over and not to allow him to win. Thats exactly what I did. I transfered colleges and graduated magna cum laude. I am a stay at home mom now, that loves the simplicity of baking cookies and takeing my kids to the park. MY husband is an amazing and compasionate man, yet even after several years of marriage I still have not been able to tell him about "what happened". Why is it so hard to find my voice? IN most areas of my life, I am a very articulate individual. HOwever, when it comes to "this" no words seem to fit or even come out. I am trying, and know I need to tell him more, the shame is just so overwhelming. Most people that know me now, think of me as perfect, and I just want to scream!!!! I wake up all hours of the night, I recoil when the man I love tries to hold my hand or give me a kiss. I have flashbacks that leave me questioning my sanity. I have done everything I know how to do and I feel lost and frustrated that I will never be able to find words for all the horrible haunting images that plague my mind and body. I love my life and family that my husband and I have created. I am grateful that I have survived and know that there is a plan for me in this life. I guess today I just needed to see that other people have found "words" to describe their nightmeres and that it is possible. Sorry about the rambling and thanks for the hope!!! |
| Name: | tash monie |
| Comments: | good hope you people are ok |
| Name: | January |
| Comments: | I think that this is some good information because I never knew half of the things that happen to some girls and the things they go through are WOW to me because they deal with so much!!!! |
| Name: | anon |
| Comments: | i was raped when i was 17 by a guy i had known for 1 week, its a long time ago and i blocked it out for ten years then 3 years ago it came back and hit me so so hard and so for the last 3 years i have been trying to get rid of it and have now been in councilling for 7 months,i feel low nearlly all the time,and it has destroyed a part of my life that i won't get back, am on anti-depressants now and am hoping one day i'll feel ok again,thats all i ask. |
| Name: | aj |
| Comments: | hey pepz how ya doing 2dae?!?
nothin much 2 sae but ya see ya l8rz |
| Name: | Tuesday |
| Comments: | I just read Ellies account of her experience. I was abused by my Grandad and my oldest brother- however I don't see them as rapists and peodfiles, thank you for clarifying that thought for me!
I have only just come to terms with my experiences and I told my nearest friends. Now everybody in school knows! few people understand, some don't want to. My Mum assures me that it will get easier, to take each day as it comes. She has been my angel through this whole issue, however it's still no consellation! Thank you to all the people on this site- for readin, writing and understanding. You have all been my life line |
| Name: | anon |
| Comments: | I wrote a previous post entitled 'a letter to my rapist' back in february, since then i think i have been continuing to progress, well i hope i have i'm writing a lot and trying to use that as a cathartic release.
I would like to be able to dream I do wish that I could sleep I don’t care if this is real I feel I’m drowning, it’s too deep. So scary to feel so completely lost So scary to have no clue I hate that my heart doesn’t feel like my own I hate that it belongs to you. Sometimes I cry, but only inside It’d be too much to show real tears To voice aloud my inner thoughts And share my biggest fears. Will I die forever this way? Trapped and engulfed in grief Perhaps for me death will come soon, And with it a blessed relief. i hope that one day i will feel strongg enough to repost my original letter with my name-not hiding begin a shroud of anonymity. xxx |
| Name: | Ellie |
| Comments: | I am in medical school in Colorado these days. I had to write an illness narrative (personal or nonfiction) for my ethics class. It ended up being my final, real, "coming out" about what happened to me freshman year of college.
I met "Andi" freshman year of college. Her step-father co-wrote the screenplay for Sleepless in Seattle as well as a few B movies. Andi’s most repeated bragging points—that her mom had been a model, that she owned a $15k watch, and that she had once slept with Jeff Goldblum, the 40-something scientist guy on Jurassic Park. Andi was infamous for her blackout drives to and from LA, or la-la-land as we called it. By far the wildest of our small friendship group, she had an on-again-off-again cocaine habit, a never-ending string of abusive boyfriends, and too much extravagance to fit in properly. She often tried to impress us by sponsoring shopping trips, offering her maids, and sharing sushi deliveries. Andi never quite worked out that we were much more impressed by good dance songs, good-looking boys, and tequila shots than we were by raw cash flow. Andi and I drove her black Escalade into LA one night after I made her promise that she wouldn’t drink too much. Of course she did anyway. We stopped at her parents’ house in Westwood on the way, where she revamped my outfit with 4 inch Vera Wang heels, a Prada leather skirt, and thick black eyeliner on both my upper and lower eyelids. We went to techno-blasting clubs, drank ourselves silly, and encouraged skinny, sweaty boys with glow sticks to grind against us, and I felt perfect--glamorous and beautiful. Then Andi's boyfriend-of-the-moment showed up, bought us some more drinks, and convinced us to come back to his place to take a dip in his hot tub. We went naked, of course. My vision was spinning, but it was a beautiful night. Andi’s boy was very interested in ménage à trois. Andi and I were a little interested, but more drunk. He sat between us, groping our thighs with a nomadic hand. I lazily put up with it for a while before moving to the other side of the hot tub. I tipped my head back and hazily stared at the hazy city stars, while the two of them made out. Then Andi’s boyfriend made his way back over to me, with Andi attached. I laughed, kissed them each a few times, just on the cheek, flirtatiously, and then moved to the opposite side again. Andi’s boyfriend came back over to me, this time leaving Andi behind. I have told people that I struggled and tried to get away. That isn’t true. I think. I was so drunk at the time. When I try to remember it, the whole night is a Sin City version of life—-a Technicolor nightmare in cartoon quality. Who knows, now, whether I struggled or whether I squirmed, when I was scared and when I was coy. I do know that Andi watched with dead eyes from the other side of the hot tub. I was on his lap, facing Andi, his arms were tight around me. After one penetration he stopped because I wasn’t turned on, or maybe it was just because of the hot tub. I know that I felt guilty, horrified, and ashamed immediately afterward. I know that I left without looking him in the face, that I had dreams later about cutting pagan symbols into his flesh, and of him thrusting into me with a penis that was a knife. I have often lied during this story and said that I had a bruise on my arm the next day, because I dislike this feeling, the feeling that it wasn’t rape but it should have been, that I didn’t do enough to stop it. My stupid, stupid, goddamn drunk mind telling me, “move away, move away” never quite erases the fact that during the act I was complacent. Andi and I left right after. She started the car, paused, and then just leaned back in her seat and stared over at me in silence. “Oh. My. God. I am so sorry,” I said. “I just... I cannot believe what just happened. I am so sorry.” “Yeah, no shit.” “Andi, what just happened? I honestly didn’t want... I didn’t want that to happen.” “Well, at least now you have a good reason to break up with Ronnie.” “What? I know I’ve been complaining about him, but...” A silence. I looked at the neon car clock, and noticed with numb disinterest that the time was 2:34. “234, 234,” my drunk mind was stupidly pleased, and then displeased when it changed to 2:35, and I wanted my mind to shut the hell up because so fucking what. “Andi. I don’t know what to say. I feel like such a slut.” “Ellie, whatever. You don’t care about him.” “Whatever, its not just him, I mean yes I feel shitty about Ron, but I also feel awful, awful that I did that, and... and I am so, so sorry,” and I started to cry. I always wonder what would have happened if I had been angry and accusatory, pissed off that we had both been so drunk, that her boyfriend had put us in that situation. I didn’t feel angry, though. I felt like I’d been hollowed out with a dull ice cream scoop, and that only I was to blame. Andi took my lead—I was apologetic and defensive, so she got aggressive. “You know what? You don’t care about Ronnie, and you don’t care about me. You ARE a slut. You FUCKING HO-BAG! (Many exclamation points here. That sentence was repeated more than once.) "I can’t believe you seduced my boyfriend.” We drove back to campus in silence. I found out later she didn’t remember driving home. The social retaliation was beyond anything you can imagine, surpassed only by my own self-recrimination. I broke up with Ronnie when he called the next day, but didn’t give any explanation. Andi soon after told him I had cheated on him. I cried and apologized, but he was furious, and since he was a second year and popular, suddenly all sophomores hated me. The rules were clear as to whose side was the “right” side—even I believed Andi and Ronnie had been wronged, that I was an asshole and a slut and every other name I was called on a daily basis. All the evidence pointed in that direction. Andi clawed my face out of group photos in the hallway with her perfectly painted nails. She pounded on my locked door, screaming obscenities, and threw a coffee mug at my head. People took bets on who would win in a catfight. I stopped calling my parents back when they phoned. All of my friends were now Andi’s friends. I slept all the time—having to face anyone at all was torture, and avoiding the hallway, the dining hall, class, and local restaurants led to permanently locking myself into my dorm room. My A’s combined with all of my new D’s and F’s and translated into C’s at the end of the semester. I felt like everyone knew, that everyone hated me, including myself. I thought about killing myself, but more often I thought about transferring to another school. I didn’t have enough energy to apply, and I no longer felt like a desirable candidate, or a desirable person in any respect. The world had previously seemed cast in shades of yellow and blue in the day, red and black at night, but wholly, colorfully edible. Now, all was gray, darker gray, black, and blacker. All I wanted was to curl up into a potato bug ball and ignore the world. I was clinically depressed for exactly nine months. I pulled out of it because a) fortunately for me but unfortunately for Andi, she started taking cocaine again, then got pregnant and had an abortion with a complicated array of boyfriends and ex-boyfriends involved, and basically lost her credibility. She was too distracted with her own disintegrating life to hound me. She “took a break” after freshman year. b) I started calling it rape. I do not deny that my main motive was basic, selfish survival instinct. I still blamed myself for what happened, although I knew that rape victims often blame themselves so I hoped that self-blame was just a symptom. These days I have given up trying to decide if it was rape or drunken sex. It’s like trying to tell the difference between an argument and a conversation, in an exchange that occurred a hundred years ago, involving immense emotional involvement and extreme conflict of interest, and given only a partial script. As far as what I tell people these days--the event had such a remarkable and devastating effect on my emotional health, the only way I can communicate the horror of that time is to say that I was raped. Perhaps that in itself is indicative of something—the social repercussions, the depression, and the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) were all very much present. Whatever it was, I can honestly say I must have wished a hundred thousand times that I had said “No,” moved out of the hot tub, struggled, anything. At this point, I have enough empathy for the naïve, crazy-young kid that I was freshman year of college, not to waste time feeling guilty. I tend to call it rape simply because it was unwanted sex and the label communicates my personal experience. On the other hand, I do not necessarily think Andi’s boyfriend was a rapist. He may have been just a drunken asshole like me, risking dangerous awful things like unwanted sex and car accidents. Truthfully I was too drunk at the time for me to make that judgment call. I tried to go to the school counselor sophomore year, but was assigned to a male psychologist. I was angry that they were so insensitive. I vomited out my story to him in a flurry of livid tears, stormed out, and never went back despite a half dozen bland follow-up letters. I bought a teddy bear and named him Normal Bear so I would have someone to cry with. My romantic relationships were a little iffy for a few years. One boyfriend, an Armenian, Gorilla-like thug named Orag, was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. Pardon me if that description sounded racist, believe me it’s all personal dislike. He was studying to be a dentist and got good grades, and I was just a lowly, struggling politics major. We both thought he was infinitely superior. He told me, several times, that he was more intelligent than I was, had a better body, that I was lucky to be with him. With time, as I gained self-respect and self-forgiveness, my romantic involvements improved. I researched rape like the nerd that I am, self-diagnosed myself with PTSD, and briefly became a man-hating nazi-fembot as I became more of a sexual assault expert. I discovered how common rape is (1 in 6 lifetime prevalence among women), the acquaintance factor, and the long-lasting mental impact. I started to see the world as a very different, very dangerous place. I found out that social repercussions are the greatest indicator of whether PTSD will develop. Other women “came out” to me about their rape and “maybe-rape” experiences, including one of my Psych professors and my good friend "Amy." Probably most beneficial to my personal recovery was becoming a sexual assault peer counselor. There is nothing like interacting with the freshly wounded to realize how much you have healed. The only time I was consistently honest while recounting the story line was in that role, trying to help rape survivors work through their feelings of self-blame. Now, I forget about my horrible freshman year of college unless someone specifically mentions sexual assault or rape. I hesitate to “come out” about what happened to me, not because it upsets me, but because I know from experience that it upsets others. Sometimes I can tell that I become permanently changed in peoples’ minds. Like That Disabled Guy In A Wheelchair, or That Girl Whose Mom Died, or even That Feminist Black Girl, I become That Girl Who Was Raped. While interesting to have a label—the hushing of jokes and genuine opinions, the discomfort, the general avoidance—I prefer not to have one. Its interesting how easily people forget that tragedy touches us all, that sooner or later, someone close to us will die, we will become chronically sick or disabled, bad luck or bad health will knock on our door. The amazing thing is how we all manage to pick ourselves up and continue on, believing that life is good. In the last few years, my paternal grandmother died of Alzheimers, my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, my favorite aunt died of lung cancer, my brother was in a serious car accident and was in the ICU for over a week and had to have a splenectomy, and my best friend's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, probably recurrent from her breast cancer 15 years previous. Its been difficult, dealing with these (far worse) tragedies. But at least I felt like I could talk about it. Narratives like the one above are culturally kept private, its almost rude to talk about such things. So, thanks for letting me "come out," its cathartic even at this stage. I apologize for any discomfort. I think it's important, if only because such experiences are so very common. I believe there are many victims of crazy-young life, who feel lonely and depressed, and might benefit from knowing it is possible to feel normal again. |
| Name: | Tor |
| Comments: | Keep on doing what you do. |
| Name: | Carlton- 33M |
| Comments: | Greetings, ladies.
I probably have no right to be here, So if I'm trespassing I am sorry. I've come here because I'm writing a play involving a rape and rape victims, and I want it to be as honest... and as genuine as possible. It's an ugly subject. My intention is essentially to tell a story but I want it to be a truthful rendition. I'll be honest, as a man I didn't have a clue where to start. A couple of female friends of mine have tried to help me understand, and one pointed me in the direction of this site which is and has been incredible at opening my eyes. I don't really know what to say from here. The stories you ladies have shared are amazing. like I said, I'm not sure I have any right to be here... I'm not a victim, but I am genuine. The letters by "Anon" and the poetry by "Claire" are... (I'm at a loss for words)... remarkable? I don't really think that's a strong enough word for it. Look, I know some of you ladies out there will probably develope a serious and sincere distrust and/or hatred of men and reading some of your stories, I don't blame you. May I just say, as a man, I think you are all amazing. I really do. To further my earlier statement, the play I'm currently writing will hopefully be performed at the Buxton Fringe Theatre Festival in July this year. If anybody was in the neighbourhood at the time, it would be nice to meet you. To everyone out there and especially to "Claire"... Please keep surviving- your strength is an inspiration. |
| Name: | Goessoftly |
| Comments: | Hi Tiana,
Thankyou for visitng my site and I join all in sending you my respect and genuine kudos for rising above what so many find too much to deal with. I wish you strength and courage in your healing journey. Gentle thoughts and care. Softly http://www.goessoftlyishere.com |
| Name: | Claire |
| Comments: | Why did he choose me
out of all the people in the world i was only a small young girl he said its what i deserve he also said never say a word its our little secret he said each time but everything was like a mime his heavy breathing on my neck the steaming up on my specks he walks away like nothing happened leaves me lying crying wish i was dying each time he does this to myself its like hes the devil and im in hell i really am so scared of him tell the police but is it a sin off cousre it is people say but no one listens anyway my heart beating like a race wishing i was in another place will he ever stop i think maybe wen hes sick of me but until then i drift thoughlife with this man i dispise with the bruses and strangle marks i find it hard to discise but wen he hurt me in other way this hurt more cant discribe the pain when he says till next time it sends a shiver down my spine claire_1405@fsmail.net |
| Name: | pip |
| Comments: | just a quick note to let all you girls out there know, that angels are there for every one. they do protect you, however, when in a situation where you are powerless you can not call on them to help you, therefore they are powerless too. i personally take deep comfort in my angels and believe greatly in them. this also had helped me heal. i am not completely healed and i have my set back days, but my angles are there so much more on those days and they help me get through the days.one day your attacker will have his jugement day and be confronted by powers of more than the police, they wont have any answeres and that is then that they will be punished. believe in your angles and god with all your heart and you WILL come out of this..i promise. remember angels and god see all, your attacker my bury the feeling and memory of what they did to you, but you know, and so do the important people and powers above!! some of you may find this helpful too, i went to see a physcic, and it helped me alot with angels and god and believing in my own self worth again, she knew i had been raped with out me telling her a single thing and was spot on with things that were to come in my life..(just waiting on the wedding now and my beautiful children she said i would have)(haha)try it, you may find you have alot of wonderful things to come!! take care all you. xxxx |
| Name: | pip |
| Comments: | i'm a survivor too. and it took a while for me to realise that every thing happens for a reason, it was a lesson we were ment to learn, or it will take us to a new place in our lives. i was raped by my violent, possesive boyfriend, when the police didnt believe me i got revenge on him my self, then got scared about what i had done so i went to stay with a friend, whilst staying with my friend, i met the love of my life! if he had never raped me i would never have split up with him or gone to the police in the first place, if the police had believed me i would never have got revenge and had to leave (therefore not meeting my new love). whilst i was staying with my friend my new love was surposed to be visiting home, but it turned out he had to work..so it all links up together in abig circle. my lesson was that he was not for me and i had to met my love, it was the only way i would have met him. so i guess i say to my rapist....you taught me my lesson and now i know what true love is...you will suffer for longer, im stronger because of you. i have learnt my lesson but how will you go on? the guilt and shame will never leave his side, it will always be in there somewhere inside him and i pity him. my lesson is learnt and also i know he helped me find love...how his attack of power and 'teaching me his lesson' back fired on him..the stupid young man. he just doesnt realsie and probably nevver will... i wonder what his lesson learnt will be? |
| Name: | Gemma - March 2007 |
| Comments: | I understand..... my love goes out to all who are on a journey or healing x x x |
| Name: | Tuesday |
| Comments: | This site has been a life line for me recently. I was abused by my brother and my granddad. It is such a reief to know that I'm not alone.
All the poetry really struck a chord with me. Thank you |
| Name: | gwen |
| Comments: | claire, u said no one help u.. if no one help u, u should help ur self.. if no one stop him, only u can stop him.. if u want to slap him juz slap.. be strong, no one will help u if u first help your self... that all..... |
| Name: | gwen |
| Comments: | hi claire, i read your comment, u know u still in trauma.. 2day is my first time i log this page n i fell sympaty after read your comment... i juz wanna say that, u should be strong, u want to kill him, u will take one another big problem.. juz my advise here is plez try to forget that, becoz u can't reverse all thing happen... be strong n juz go on with your life.. |
| Name: | gwen |
| Comments: | i'm a student who log this page juz for my research. by the way to girls who suffered from this problem, i really hepo that u guys will never give up in your life.. life must go on, don't take this as end of your life... take this as a motivation to be more strong and success. don't take any stupid action which will effect the whole of your life.. |
| Name: | charlotte |
| Comments: | again i just want to say what a great site, after 6 years of hell with my ex im now free and getting married and this site helps when im feeling down or lonely. thankyou |
| Name: | charlotte |
| Comments: | this a great site and it helps to read other peoples stories and feelings and realise that im not alone and things WILL get better. |
| Name: | c.penfold |
| Comments: |
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| Name: | c.penfold |
| Comments: |
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| Name: | Mark |
| Comments: | Hi Tiana,
Just a quick post to say thank you for setting up this website. I'm sure it has helped many women deal with what happened to them and gives them a medium to express themselves fully to others who find themselves in a similar situation. I'm hoping to become a criminologist in sexual assault one day so the information contained in this site is really helpful to me. I hope everyone stays strong and, most importantly, keep your chins up. You are strong, show it. One day I will take these people off the streets. Believe me. |
| Name: | Zara |
| Comments: | I also am a survivor. Things get better. the flashbacks have now become less frequent. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am now back at university studying photography at swansea, I am currently working on a piece of work about rape and its effects, also how only 6 of 100 men on average are convicted. I would really like to get other peoples thoughts and feelings incorporated into the piece of work. If anyone would be willing to say a few words for me, about anything they feel they want to get out there.. anonymously email me at missladyzara@hotmail.com. Keep strong, take care x x |
| Name: | ---- |
| Comments: | Stay strong |
| Name: | anon 28f im not a victim |
| Comments: | I was on a night out with a friend last May. She was really drunk and she got chatting to a bloke outside the club.
The next thing I know she wanted to go to their house party. I couldnt leave her so went to. I was careful. While she disapperaed into the bedroom, I chatted to his mate. I only drunk water. I felt drowsy and tired. I remember everything he done and even tried fighting him off. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I now knowm that in times like this, your soul will leave your body, he attacked my body- but im not letting him atttack my soul. I done the police interviews, examinations. Only to be told he left he country and now cant be done. He ruined four hours of my life, that four hours has taken months to heal. I know im not to blame, he is. So please I wont be a victim. Im not letting he take my life. Yes, ive had good days and bad days, people still tip toe around me. But I know when someone says no, and the act continues, ITS NOT US WHO IS TO BLAME. His not having my life, I will rebuild my life and one day a crippled decrepid man will cross my path- and then I will know as im getting stronger his crippling through guilt. |
| Name: | tiana |
| Comments: | If you have been raped, please take a minute to answer some simple questions, as part of the survive survey. Names and e-mail addresses won't be published in the survey, or passed onto anyone else.
We are trying to come up with some real statistics, but to do that we need your input. survive Survey It doesn't matter if you are male, female, young or old. As long as you have been raped, you can join in. Many thanks tiana |
| Name: | katie |
| Comments: | i was abused by a nieghbour when i was 11. i only told the police when i was 18, and what do you know the fucker got away with it.... like they always do. it makes me so angry. i am on anti-depressents, i have anxiety and i am having councilling and i go to a course to build my confidence at the womens centre. i am 19 now, ive tried commiting suicide, but did not succeed. looking back i think Y that will let the dirty peadophile that stole my fucking childhood win and he has not won, evan tho he still lives near me i am STRONGER than him and i will beat him. i hope my story is an inspiration to others that u can get thru the hurt and pain and it will make yya stronger cos i am. |
| Name: | Claire |
| Comments: | i hate myself
i want to die i let him do this to my life nothing confertes me inside im not worth a second glide wen i told the poilce about the 8 years id been going through this one officer told me it was my fault i must of lead him on somehow now nine years it still goes one no one will protect me not even my mum my life turned upside down i moved jobs and house next its move town people have said it will make me stonger but i cnt go on for much longer i hide behind my happy face much to my own discrace I WANT HIM TO STOP JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WHY WHY WHY WONT HE LEAVE ME ALONE help help help i cry through the night but no one can help me theres not a glims of light im on my knees im begging you please stop him help me they walk by not saying a word just let him do this something i must deserve well if they wont stop him who will not me i cnt ive tried but i freeze you see well maybe its ok for him to do this cos they walked away im dead inside just a figure i see looking back at me my eyes so empty my body so slim the marks that ive made im dead to myself i might aswell be to everyone else i wish i could say i dont care but i do and i know cos im pulling out my hair he watching me i can see i dont want to go out now i know hes waiting for me HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME whom i kidding hes free to do what he pleases to ME! Claire claire_1405@fsmail.net |
| Name: | Claire |
| Comments: | Hi
ive been sexually abused since the age of 12 by the same man, im now nearly 21. I told the police just over a year ago about some of the rapes and other things (i couldnt tell them every time as there has been so many so i just told them some of the nearly worsed times the worse ones are too hard to talk about)but they dont really seem interested when they arrested him he denied it of course and they released him but this just made things worse so i dont say anything now. Too this day it still goes on but im too frightend to do or say anything it took me nearly 8 years to tell the police but they might have well just said it was my fault (as one officer did). Im shouting it now hes hurting me inside and outside aswell so many years of torture and pain youd think id be used to it but im going insane tears rolling down they fall to the ground no one to catch them no one to frown no one will stop him the poilce let him go he waits round the corner for me to walk up the road i have to go out but im frightend to move were is he hiding is he watching for me does anyone hear im calling for help i want him to stop now but its like hes covered my mouth no one can hear me he laughs in my face he will say its my fault now i made a mistake he wil say he will kill me if i say anything i just lay and i pray that he would sometimes im cutting my wrist now the bloods gushing out no one can help now its to late my eyes are closing the pain is a blair but i think to myself im free i dont care Claire claire_1405@fsmail.net |
| Name: | Anon |
| Comments: | a letter to my rapist....
I hate u and for what youve done 2 me i wake up every morning and see your face in my mind. i can still remeber that night so well, they way you ripped off my clothes and raped me and what is so fucking pathetic is when you said " that was a quick one for me " and smiled. your an arsehole and i hope u rot in hell for what youve done too me. however you aint just raped me youve raped me off my intire life, my personality what made me me many months ago. but in a way i do thank you you have changed me i am a stronger person than anyone i know and can take on whatever comes my way...u may of won the battle but i am goin to win the war!!!..i am goin to be so better than you and you will think about me every day that u live knowing that u admitted havin sex with me even though im on FUCKIN 15!!!...and it didnt go too court, i hope you think about how youve changed a young girls life!!!!i still wake up and feel fear, i feel u on top of me i hate you and what youve done too me you a dirty studpid rapist!!...why me u prick? .... Id just like to say any one that has been a victim of rape that its not your fault...i thought it was my fault at first bt it isnt. you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time!!!...be strong find someone whether its a friend family member or someone you dont know for support. im lucky i had my family and my best friend beside me but if you havent got anyone, just remeber that he isnt going to beat you and that you will make something off your life and not let nothing get you down!!!...just remeber its not ur fault its his!!!... 15.F. Reading |
| Name: | Amy Warren |
| Comments: | I was a victim of rape when i had just turned 16. I am now nearly 18 and i still live in fear and blame myself for what happened to me and if it wasn't fo my family and my new friends i don't think i would be here now! so i'd like to thank my mum, dad, brother, grandparents and the rest of my family for being there for me and i'd also like to thank Ken, Ross, Brooke, sharon and the rest of my friends for being there for me when ever ive needed them.
I love you all and thankyou, Amy xxxxxx |
| Name: | Michael Hobbs |
| Comments: | I thought I would have a look at the site, as part of the survey posted at Survivors UK. |
| Name: | survive survey |
| Comments: | We are conducting the first survive website survey, and the more rape survivors that answer the questions, the better overall picture we will get. I've posted it on the message board on the survive website, or you can mail me directly uksurvive AT gmail DOT com and i will mail you the questions. Replies are dealt with confedentially, and names or addresses won't be revealed in the survey, or passed on to anyone else.
tiana Founder of the survive website www.survive.org.uk |
| Name: | tiana |
| Comments: | Many thanks Maria for pointing out the mistake. I've updated the links, and plan to check all of the links on the survive website over the next few days. |
| Name: | Maria Harvey |
| Comments: | This is just to let you know that the Women's Aid helpline number is out of date. The national 24 hour number, run by Women's Aid and Refuge, is 0808 2000 247. |
| Name: | Anon |
| Comments: | A letter to my rapist
I want you to know what it is you’ve done to me and my life, I want you to know of the indescribable pain you’ve caused me, I want you to know that because of you I will never again be whole or completely happy. You not only raped me physically but you raped me of my dignity and of my very soul. I imagine you as you wake up in the mornings without a care in the world; do I ever even cross your mind? I wish you were dead and I wish I could be the one to kill you. I would make your death as slow and painful as is humanly possible I want to watch you bleed out and to see the life and evil drain from your eyes as you leave this world knowing it was me that took your life as you have taken mine. The thing that kills me is that you probably don’t even realise what it is that you’ve done, you’ve made me hate myself, made me doubt myself constantly, made me forget who I am. I don’t even remember how many stitches it took to piece my insides back together after what you did to me, I hate that my body doesn’t feel like my own, I hate that I mourn the loss of our child because I don’t want to mourn anything to do with you. I hate that you’re the only other person in the world who fully knows what I went through in that alley. I hate that it was in that alley that you killed my heart, a place so filthy and full of stink and rot and it was there that my humiliation was complete. I hate that you know my name and I hate that when I close my eyes at night I still hear you whispering it in my ear. I hate the flashbacks, remembering trying to wipe the dried blood of my thighs but not being able to see straight because of the pain. I hate that every time I get undressed I see the scars every time I have something to eat I imagine you in my mouth every time I see broken glass I remember you forcing shards of it inside me. Because of you I can’t sleep at night. Because of you I hate being touched. Because of you I don’t know how to let people in, how to trust, how to open up, how to cry, how to heal, how to be, how to survive. Because of you I don’t know anything anymore. I’m scared that I’ve lost my ability to believe and I hate you because I never doubted before. I hate that you opened my eyes to the malevolence in this world and the indifference to other people’s sufferings. I just want you to know, I just need you to understand what it is you’ve done and I know you’ll never realise because if you did you would drown in your shame and you to would realise what its like to feel truly heartbroken and to know that the damage is irreparable. |
| Name: | Ashley burris |
| Comments: | I am 12 years old and i got raped my a guy that i don't even know in a dark alley where i never knew where i was it was very scary and he hurt me alot. |
| Name: | lizzybee |
| Comments: | To all my fellow survivors I wish you all hope and strength to carry on. |
| Name: | lucy |
| Comments: | hi i was raped in 05 and had no idear how i was going to get though it but with with lots of coueseling i did... even know the police told me i didnt need it...what do they konw!!! i tryed to end my life in jan 06 i look back now and it upset me but i kown im a storger person for it now.. i would just like to say to all them women and men that have been raped and got of going though it well done we are the SURVIVE.... XXXXX |
| Name: | Stacie |
| Comments: | i was raped not so long ago by someone i called my friend he's destroyed my life i keep blaming myself i don't no what to do. |
| Name: | Lost Rose |
| Comments: | I kept my experience to myself for 6 years until I nearly cracked. I went through months of counselling and when that came to an end I needed to know someone would always be there to talk to.
I found angelsurvive.co.uk - it really helped and I've made some really good friends through it but I felt I needed a site geared more towards rape than abuse. After lots of searching I found www.rape-awareness.co.uk For anyone wishing to find support from people who have been through something similar please check out www.rape-awareness.co.uk and click on the link to join the phpBB2 community. Or try www.angelsurvive.co.uk/asuk - if you have java you can chat to similar people about anything at all at any time of day or night! Keep safe, Lost Rose x |
| Name: | Chantel |
| Comments: | Thankyou to all the women who have shared their stories on thios site. I was recently raped and don't know how to cope. This website is a start. thankyou |
| Name: | Jolene |
| Comments: | I have never been involved or knew anyone that has gone though this till the weekend and it is really hard to know what to say or do.It feels like someone has just cut though your family. And feels they are laughing at us in same sort of way.The police have been great and every helpful to us all.There is still things i don't understand or know why.He was a friend of the family for 30 odd years.I just what to know why.She has a heart of gold and would never hurt anyone.She always see the good in people even if they are bad. |
| Name: | Melissa Kay |
| Comments: | Thank you for allowing people to share their thoughts and experiences. It is so helpful to have a support group that is always there for you. I went through 13 years of abuse and this website has helped me cope with what has happened. I know I'm not completely healed yet, and may never be, but I'm one step closer. Thank you. |
| Name: | rapecenter (kayleigh) |
| Comments: | To all of those women and men out there, who have been sexually assaulted or raped, please join this forum and talk to other members, help is avaliable from our expert team, who have all been through similar ordeals, so they know how it feels, please leave your thoughts and comments
http://rapecenter.forumco.com/default.asp This is the link, please join You are not alone x |
| Name: | Felicia |
| Comments: | Please forgive me for posting this on the guestbook but the email address didn't work. I have a media request - who can I contact about this? This is a great site by the way. Felicia |
| Name: | juan garcia |
| Comments: | i love this organsation it relly help people because i was raped!! so thank u |
| Name: | oddclover |
| Comments: | just a ty for a voice |
| Name: | dri |
| Comments: | dream beliv survive |
| Name: | dri |
| Comments: | support them |
| Name: | Rick |
| Comments: | hello
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| Name: | lost_soul |
| Comments: | i really love and admire your site! i have been through alot of the things printed on these pages and its very soothing to know other people can understand completely but it hurts me even more to know that evil men are getting away with this kind of behaviour so much...
thank you so much for making this site. |
| Name: | kim |
| Comments: | hi i think ur site is really gud it has helped me alot, as i have been through some of these things, keep it up |
| Name: | Secret Cutter |
| Comments: | Another great website on self harm and other problems. Thanks you for the info, it is of course very useful. Take care.
Secret Cutter http://www.geocities.com/secretcutters |
| Name: | shakku |
| Comments: | your collection of quotes are very nice. |
| Name: | Hannah Windom |
| Name: | tricia |
| Comments: | i have questions about how to get over flash backs |
| Name: | babs speight |
| Comments: | i dont know what to say i just thought it was me being weird my arms and legs are like train tracks im so nervy ive not done this computing before i just so desperate im doing this thinking of when and where to cut i also suffer from mixed bipolar disorder other than than im brill and a happy bunny |
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