Behold my guestbook! Write whatever nonsense you will, but know now that anything you leave here might well end up on the 'letters page', and that I will almost certainly humiliate you in the course of my response. Know also that the Mantis does not respond to idiocy, only the misinformed blatherings of semi-competent mortals who require guidance. Illiterate attempts at inciting riot will go unanswered, and SPAM will be removed by my human underlings. Please try to keep your messages short, for the benefit of others. Say what you must, mortal.
| Name: | Emily |
| E-mail address: | emily@yahoo.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://clico.happyhost.org/vice/ |
| Comments: | Hi, congratulation to webmaster, regards from Austria! Support us by visiting <a rel="dofollow" href="http://bunk.uw.hu/twins/" title="twins">twins</a> ... <a rel="dofollow" href="http://2hands.extra.hu/sniper-3/" title="sniper 3">sniper 3</a> ... |
| Name: | Asa |
| E-mail address: | asa@hushmail.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://homepages.pathfinder.gr/hude/percocet/percocet-5-325.html |
| Comments: | I came across your site using the link from your face-pic site and Im glad I did. Im in Scotland and I just wanted to leave a short message encouraging you to keep on doing! <a href="http://olet.tag.hu/percocet/oxycodone-vs-hydrocodone.html" title="oxycodone vs hydrocodone">oxycodone vs hydrocodone</a> ... <a href="http://www.freewebs.com/allweg/acyclovir/acyclovir-dose.html" title="acyclovir dose">acyclovir dose</a> ... rules! |
| Name: | Life |
| E-mail address: | Sunford@bluebottle.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.fullcreate.info |
| Comments: | http://www.fullcreate.info
<a href="http://www.fullcreate.info>link</a> [URL=http://www.fullcreate.info]dating[/URL] [LINK=http://www.fullcreate.info]dating[/LINK] |
| Name: | Spicer The Mantis King |
| E-mail address: | archon.lord@gmail.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://spaces.msn.com/members/MantisHive/ |
| Comments: | I am the Mantis King and i must say how proud i am that my Mantis brethren have become such powerful leaders and do not take any guff from puny humans. My allies Mizor the Great and Agent FarQ2 are especially proud of all of you at AtlantisMantis.
VIVA LAS MANTIS!!! |
| Name: | A ZenSunni Corzair |
| E-mail address: | suhaibsufi@hotail.com |
| Comments: | As a Muslim, I apologies for the rather silly uninformed guestbook entry a so-colled muzzy/what ever made. We humans are not all ingnorant and and self saticefied. Its a sorry state Humainty finds itself in today. Our egos no no bounds!
I for one apriciate contact with God's Creation even if they are angry Giant Insects! Your points are well made and thanks must be given to you from rescuing me from view of the matrix. For a long time now i knew something bugged(pun slighty intended) me about those films. Anyway thanks for making me THINK and THANKs for your otherworldly thoughts. I would like to ask if you have left earth and for how long and will you please come back and share more thoughts I like your alien perspective and have only just found this thought corner of the web Strenth through diversity! Peace..... |
| Name: | Allah |
| E-mail address: | allah@heaven.hell.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.allah.com |
| Comments: | This website is a disgusting waste of virtual space created by a middle school student who decided there was no hope in their future. Ranting is what happens when one cannot summon the ability to take effective action against something one opposes. Dive into the depths of Atlantis' ignorance and feed the Mantis which cannot survive without your mind's sacrifice. |
| Name: | Sweet Shuga |
| E-mail address: | AfroQueen874@aol.com |
| Comments: | Honey, you need to calm ya nerves down a bit and try to spent your life celebratin instead of rantin. Trust me I know. I used to go on and on about all kinds of nasty things when I was upset. Thats why I turned to drugs. I'm glad I did cause the coke is so great. Well hope that helps ya out. Much love to you mantis.
Sweet Shuga |
| Name: | dcs |
| Comments: | Family Guy is coming back May 1st! I cannot wait to see the new episodes! I bet everyone else is as excited as me. |
| Name: | BWGunner |
| E-mail address: | bwgunner@gmail.google.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.builttrue.com |
| Comments: | The hardest part of the existentialist's journey is realizing that all meaning, all relativity, all metaphor and symbolism are contrived crap. Standing at the edge of your own cliff of comprehension, the words of man behind you the abstract and silent truth of reality in front of you, one must make a choice: leap forward into meaninless madness, or turn and embrace the lies and become a critic.
Hey mantis, while you're skewering post-modernism for lack of integrity you should take a passing jab at the Frank Oz remake of The Stepford Wives. Oz drags Apple into a pointless anti-corporate (anti-Micosoft, AOL, Nasa?!) rehash of 50s vs. 90s schlock while wasting the talents of several capable but misguided actors with rapidly diminshing careers. From the same guy who thought up The Dark Crystal? Frank, baby, what happened? It wasn't scary AND it wasn't funny. Like Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil with Robots! Someone call Will Smith! Star Wars. There you go, I said it. George Lucas spit in Joseph Campbell's face and we're all going to pay. The end is near, friends, pack up your tired plot lines and start researching agriculture. If Mantis is right we'll all be growing our own food soon. |
| Name: | Krazy Hawaiian |
| E-mail address: | gsxrhawaiiathotmail.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://kitty-killers.no-ip.com |
| Comments: | BaWahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Your as sick and twisted as I am dood, maybe even more! I love it! Great site man! That shit you spewed about the Simps was spot on!
Fox is so Fe*ked up it ain't funny.... it's sickining... ...but on that note, you *must* check out a *new* and even more fe*ked up show... One made by a friend of mine and stolen from him by the a**holes at the SciFi Channel :- ( lolifescumbagz Grrrrrrrrr that pissed me rite the F OFF!!! The show I'm refering to is called "Tripping the Rift". A *adult* oriented type of sick and fekked up Simp/Futurama on a new level. Destined to die a horrid death because of it's nature and I'll surely miss Six's (the sex android of the main charecter Chode) lovely nearly "Life Like" TaTa's..... animated tittys never loked so good..... Like Bender would say, mmmmmmm TaTa's. Aloha, KH :D |
| Name: | GeoffreyThorne |
| E-mail address: | geoffreythorne@lycos.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://geocities.com/trekwriter1 |
| Comments: | You guys are freaking geniuses!!!
Where have you been all my life? |
| Name: | wandrer2 |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050294/ |
| Comments: | Check the film in the link. That wasn't you, was it? |
| Name: | mallam |
| E-mail address: | mallam@mugu.com |
| Comments: | i don land here oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo |
| Name: | Was |
| E-mail address: | wasleydatti@tiscali.co.uk |
| Comments: | I like it |
| Name: | TOR |
| Homepage URL: | http://concert.edwood.org/ |
| Comments: | Ed Woodstock
an Ed Wood film and music festival http://concert.edwood.org/ |
| Name: | Benneth |
| E-mail address: | benniff@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | -- edited by the Mantis' slaves --
This post has been pro/demoted to http://www.atlantismantis.com/benneth3.html Enjoy! |
| Name: | Arch Stanton |
| E-mail address: | reconn@digitalgunfire.com |
| Comments: | "It's because of [Tarantino] that people pretend that Star Wars is their favourite film instead of Citizen Cane these days."
Remember that Rant you wrote in which you didn't mention Star Wars once? Because I don't and I'd like it pointed out to me. |
| Name: | Sebastian Rimehaug |
| Comments: | Dear Mr. Mantis,
Your rants are my one escape from my daft, consumer-driven society, and i must lend you my deepest kudos. However, it has been quite some time since your last rant, and I wish you would hurry up and find another shitty movie to give what it deserves (there are plenty). To help you along, i shall list a few: - Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (quite impossibly worse than the first) - Bruce Almighty - The Mask 2 (not out yet, but the teaser trailer seems to say all) - Any other American film from the past five years not already listed Thank you, Sebastian |
| Name: | Joel Sammallahti |
| E-mail address: | - |
| Comments: | I read all the rants. What was the promised prize?
I agree with a lot of it but you don't know shit about the state of the animated film industry in Japan, you arthropod. |
| Name: | Spice Weasel |
| E-mail address: | jimmonster@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | Hmm, where to begin? I liked the matrix, but not the sequels, and if what you say is true about the whole rip off 80's malarkey, no-one could be bothered to read through the list of suggested crap to prove your 'theory'
you'r an ass hole mantis... but thats why i'll keep coming back. |
| Name: | MUGU BAKASI |
| E-mail address: | mugu_bakasi@yahoo.com |
| Comments: | I NEED TO SAY HI FOR PASSING HERE |
| Name: | Hellfenix |
| Comments: | Mantis, I suggest you go back to school and study psychology. The Matrix Reloaded has some very ugly momments liek the Reagae Rave underground which was just plain bad and the sex scene that follows. But the essense of the movie it self resides in the psychlogy of the world theories that they emit in the movie. Seriously go see it again after developing your mind a bit and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Btw, to all people that like anime i recommend Kill Bill, it's free violence but it's good as it is. |
| Name: | Lydia |
| E-mail address: | lydia@duluth.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://bariumblues.com |
| Comments: | Attention Terrorists! Want to Quit? Click usdylan.com<br>
<A HREF="http://www.usdylan.com/"> <IMG SRC="http://www.usdylan.com/Resources/image171.gif"> |
| Name: | MEAN PETE |
| E-mail address: | petermoran2003@yahoo.co.uk |
| Comments: | Just wanted to say that a lot of people my way did'nt like Kill Bill, though mostly because they were a bunch of rude boys and they were expecting to see a load of guns. Well I say rude boys, I don't think any of them would last long if they started hanging around in Brixton or anywhere like that. |
| Name: | huw bethan |
| Comments: | I just saw Kill Bill- and I thought it totally rocked!
Tarrantino has wickedly put together, like a cultural chinese takeaway that means now we can watch cool fighting and stuff without having to read subtitles! This film is an instant classic! Uma looks both cool AND hot, and boy was I excited by all the girl-on-girl if you know what I mean (and you know what I mean!) The performances were literally riveting. I was shaken right out of my seat! The direction was really clear- I didn't know WHAT was goin' on wiv all that badass sword stuff! Cool! The best bit was the the chinese manga bit- Tarrantino is clearly trying to open people up to foreign things so we can all share the love. I think everyone should go and see Kill Bill right away, especially any cute females into mangas and other vids! You will be completeley pumped when you walk out of the cinema- the way the fights JUST KEEP GOIN' and build and build! like a goddam rollercoaster ride in little china zone! wicked. The way I came out with a better understanding and appreciation of Japanese films that I werent sure about- like Shaw Brothers! I am going to rent out some more kick-ass shit like this! I can hardly believe Tarrantino has only made THREE films before this! talk about your regular child geniuses. Afterm seeing Kill Bill I fell a new man, - I cant wait for the sequel because Kill Bill was as good as Robotix!!!!! peace and chill. Huw |
| Name: | mugu |
| E-mail address: | mugu@maga.net |
| Comments: |
GUY MAN THEIR IS DANGER.............. ... GOD BLESS MY HOME, AMERICA! ... YOUR GOVERNMENT FACILITIES, BLESS THE COMMITTED CITIZENS OF OUR FUCKING NATION, YOU POLITIC INGRATES. ... Tuesday, September 09, 2003. ... www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=KeMatrix - 37k - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from www.xanga.com ] |
| Name: | Mike Sneede |
| E-mail address: | mikery@mail.com |
| Comments: | mantis,
i think your missing the whole point of family guy. you take it far to seriously. it isint a show ment to be the next simpsons. it was made to be the anti-sit com. it wasent ment to be evaluated or compared to other shows. its just a parodie of a bunch of shows at the same time. having things that dont add up in the all perfect "simpsons fourmula" is compleetly the point. perhaps the concept is a little out of your grasp.not ever show is made to be the pop culture icon the simpsons was. im a fan of the simpsons futerama king of the hill and family guy. im not some idiot who watches shows for a cheap laugh a show, i laugh at everything in all the shows, and family guy is the most jam packed of them all. --slave |
| Name: | sam |
| E-mail address: | hotthingdesign@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | I thought the matrix reloaded was shit too. So did all my friends. |
| Name: | Garwik |
| Comments: | Andy and Larry Wachowski- Ed Wood with an FX budget.
Well, thats insulting to Ed Wood. His films do have a certain charm to them. |
| Name: | Arch Stanton |
| E-mail address: | reconn@digitalgunfire.com |
| Comments: | :Dear Arch
: :Thank you for your concerns ... :Radiohead ... MYTH ... history ... :It's ALL a fucking movie, my dear boy ... :So There. Dear Mantis, It's spelled 'incite'. |
| Name: | gamera |
| Comments: | Gamera likes film-go smaaaaash! boooom! puny humans get squished and are all, like nooooooooooooo!
Gamera sees this film HULK-it look good, maim potential high, FOOLISH MANFLESH WILL BEND TO SPATIAL FUTURITY! Gamera relate to Hulk ideal- greenstyle smashbrother. But film suck. Character too stupid- give smash bad name. Hulk invented by stan lee. LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Not understand the complexities about being huge and supremely powerful, yet function with eyes of child. Hulk directed by ang lee.LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! ugly fleshlump lee make slow film. Gamera bored want hear skulls pop. not understand why Hulk not just kill all humans? foolish fat mortals think is ok to insult Gamera thus? RETARD BALD PETULANT MANS WILL SOON FEEL BEAUTIFUL RELEASE OF DEATH! GAMERA WILL PROTECT UNIVERSE FROM SLOW-READING-GROUP PEOPLEFLIES! FEAR MEEEE!!!!!!! Gamera. Gaurdian of the universe. |
| Name: | Benneth |
| E-mail address: | benniff@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | The end credits. An oft underestimated yet vastly important part of the moviegoing experience. A gentle come-down from the visual marvels you have just borne witness to, combined with handy informations on those darling persons who bought you the film. A transition from the magical world of the silver screen back to your plebian half-life, Nike trainers, car, job, taxes and faint sense of impending doom at the hands of nonexistant terrorists. You are now re-entering Mundanity - population: Everyone.
And yet it's astonishing, the number of people who walk out of the cinema as soon as the end credits roll. This is quite simply wrong, especially if you have been watching a Star Wars or Lord of the Rings film. Alright, in the case of newer Star Wars films, you may end up walking out well before the end credits even begin, but you get my point. The credits are important. And the music is usually nice. Unless it's hiphop. The trait of leaving as soon as the credits start to ascend the screen seems in part due to the widespread lack of real interest or passion for the movies, and indeed in even knowing the names of the fine, fine people who just worked their arses off for a number of years in order to give you the two hours of nudity and guns that just distracted you from how miserable you are. Bloody ingrates. And hell, if you accidentally watched a completely rubbish film, think of the credits as a totally free hit list of those reprehensible individuals that bought it into being. Just write down the names of those whom you beleive most responsible for this celluloid entertainment vaccum ever violating the sacred temple of your brain, and retain them for later serial killings. Hey, maybe they'd end up making a decent movie out of it. And I bet you'd walk out of the prison cinema before the credits had even reached "Executive Producer", wouldn't you. And yet there they are, flouncing out of the theatre the minute the explosions stop, pausing only to send a quizzical glance in my direction and wondering why I'm not already gathering up my empty overpriced snack food packaging and preparing to make the journey back to my shed or the nearest bordello. This in itself is excusable, barely. Afterall, it's not like you're being forced to leave the cinema early. But it's when the trend goes beyond the cinema and finds its way into television bosses' vastly-inflated tick-like heads that you have to worry. See, apparently, we have become so indifferent to the end credits that those who broadcast films through their TV channels think nobody will mind that they clumsily fade them a quarter of the way through, or indeed, as in the case of ITV's showings of the Star Wars Trilogy special edition, sort of squish them sideways in order to make room for the greasy, rat-like visage of FRANK FUCKING SKINNER of all people, who proceeds to mug his way through the officially recognised list of 'Very Old Star Wars Jokes Even Your Uncle Wouldn't Find Amusing Yet Are Still Apparently Hilarious to An Offscreen Audience of Utter Fucking Idiots Who've Never Been Told A Joke Before' as you struggle to hear the excellent music over Skinner's whiny, nasal, aggravating prick-voice. It's like John Williams and Frank Skinner are engaged in a competition for your attention, and Skinner is winning simply by being louder. The cunt. They think we don't care. Well, guess what? We DO. Those who elect to leave the cinema before the credits have rolled do so by their own free will. It's their right as utter bastards. But are we presented with any such choice for the televisual versions of our favorite celluloid treats? I think not. You're lucky if they show enough end title for the director's credit to appear. Now if this only applied to such films as Slightly Overweight Cop IV starring Steven Seagal on Channel 5, I wouldn't be moaning. But we're talking big, important movies having large chunks cut out of them. We're talking Pulp Fiction, Fargo, Star-bloody-Wars. This cannot, MUST NOT continue. So let's take back our end credits. Get your complaining crayons out and do some major-league moaning to the TV schedulers who you're paying to show you incomplete films. Stay for the end credits at the cinema, even if it means standing on your seat to avoid the migrant worker with the vaccum cleaner. Unless the end music is a rap song. In which case, evacuate immediately and nuke the site from orbit. |
| Name: | Bob |
| Comments: | The antichrist monkey dressed as Abraham Lincoln is Smith.
There's a bit at the beginning where Smith oozes tar all over some bloke whose gone into the matrix and then leaves in his body. This doesn't detract from the crapulence of the movie just a point of clarification because I think accuracy is a good thing. |
| Name: | gogol gorowarow |
| E-mail address: | nah |
| Homepage URL: | http://korovision.cjb.net |
| Comments: | ooh
these rants are ranty. i ranted myself when i ranted them. you know what? what i would grymble about if i had all the words in front of me? i do but i just wrote it down and it made me look proper bad for saing it so i got rid of it. its inteerseting the message is still here though innnit? well youve red this far now. i guess youre proper disapointed in me right? ah well |
| Name: | 5-0 |
| Comments: | You must be so fucking pissed off at the Matrix Reloaded. Did you feel your blood pressure suddenly burst through the roof of the theatre you were in.
its not like its affecting YOU its not like its harming YOU FOOLISH MERE HUMAN MORTAL!!!!!!WAZZUP!!!???!!! BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD..FOR I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG?? Next time I go see another movie, I'll let you decided which movie I should see. |
| Name: | 5-0 |
| Comments: | You must be so fucking pissed off at the Matrix Reloaded. Did you feel your blood pressure suddenly burst through the roof of the theatre you were in.
its not like its affecting YOU its not like its harming YOU FOOLISH MERE HUMAN MORTAL!!!!!!WAZZUP!!!???!!! BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD..FOR I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG?? Next time I go see another movie, I'll let you decided which movie I should see. |
| Name: | Coporate Bitch |
| Comments: | Your rants suck ass. |
| Name: | Deb Winger |
| E-mail address: | dw8s@yahoo.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.4guests.com |
| Comments: | really cool site :) |
| Name: | E. Parsons |
| Comments: | Re: the matrix; reloaded
Look. Let’s stop this nonsense right here once and for all. The Matrix films are clearly not crap in any way. In fact they could be considered very, very good. I understand that it is exceptionally easy to sit down at our computers and criticise some thing so un-immediate as a film, and that after a while of ardent critique one may begin to acquire a degree of purchase upon one’s culture that I can imagine is oh-so-very satisfying, but with that power comes responsibility. How dare anybody reprimand a film such as the matrix for the very same suspicious devices utilised by said critic? It’s one thing to consider elements of The Matrix that are apparently stolen from another text- filmic or otherwise- but the tone of criticism used by the Atlantis Mantis are clearly not those of casual appreciation- they are clearly more in the needful cynic. So what if The Matrix is just a mere contrivance of scenes from other films and thus morally bankrupt and indeed fake? I personally pay little heed to the notion of a huge insect-god with nothing better to do than mope about the place and whine about the new starwars films not being any good. Yes that’s right! A contrivance of fiction demonising a contrivance of fiction! How very fanciful. I don’t’ know who writes this Mantis spiel but I bet it ‘aint no preying insect! How very post-modern! How very now! How very MATRIX! There- now I think we all understand just what is going on here. It’s another saddening skien of lies purveyed by the lacklustre voice of post-modern web-culture. Nothing is being achieved by slagging off The Matrix merely because James Cameron owns the rights to far too much Anime. Simply reversing Orientalism and attacking anything American that pertains to Japanese is a bit reactionary- nobody ever complains when Anime series bastardise famous American Pop songs for titles music? SO WHAT if some dumb fat yanks have torn-off bits of every other film under the sun for their latest effort? It called COLLOQUIALISM!!!! Look, films are a form of language, and language is just a from of understanding via signs and symbols that has always relied heavily on whatever was around before it. English is one example of this. Why cant we leave The Matrix alone?- it’s just the emergence of a global filmic language! Okay so it’s not even a particularly good film per se, but the first writing systems became redundant quickly, more so the first computers. Just because some of you like some obscure Japanese animation you had to spend far too much money on obtaining doesnt’ warrant this exclusive attitude. Your web of deceit and misinformation merely enforces what you perceive as a ‘crapulence of Hollywood’ problem! So children, maybe we shouldn’t pay heed to the MANTRIX, it’s just what The Matrix would want. E. Parsons. |
| Name: | Dr. Atomus Rybot |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.holisticforgeworks.com |
| Comments: | You brits are funny. We in the great continent of the united states of america find your dry and witty antics amusing. Keep up the good work, super dudes! |
| Name: | jay smith |
| E-mail address: | jaysmith@atarimonkey.com |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.atarimonkey.com |
| Comments: | heh, "Africanised bees" |
| Name: | C-Dub |
| E-mail address: | hotdaddy2002@earthlink.net |
| Comments: | Have you seen "The Matrix: Reloaded" yet? Jesus, it fucking sucked. It sucked so bad, that I'm actually a little bit angry. I need to bitch about this movie because I think this was perhaps one of the stupidest films I have EVER seen. I just got out of the theater two hours ago, and I still can't sleep because I'm so annoyed. So allow me to share...
First, we open up the movie with some more crap "bullet time" slo-mo shots of people falling through glass, and big fiery explosions. Apparently, in the Matrix, EVERYTHING is explosive. Wood, glass, concrete, metal, puppies, human skin, whatever - if two things make contact with one another in the Matrix, they explode into a big fiery orange ball of flame. But in slow motion. Same old, same old. God forbid we don't catch every little tiny glimpse of an explosion, or the poor Watchowski Brothers (or however the hell you spell that) might actually have to write a fucking story. But, no fear; they've packed this movie so full of other crap, that there's no time for story. Yee-haw, boys, we gots some 'splosions to watch! So after Trinity jumps through the air in one of those interminable slo-mo-with-shattered-glass-and-bullets falling scenes, we see her get shot. But then Neo wakes up and its all been a dream (what a magnificent and groundbreaking piece of storytelling THAT was). Then Trinity wakes up and they spend some time looking at one another like a pair of retarded, malnourished junkie models, which I'm sure was a real acting stretch for Keanu (or however the hell you spell that). I cannot imagine these two people actually being in love, or even being able to maintain a conversation for more than about three minutes. They exchange a few lines of vapid, pseudo-intellectual dialogue and then stare long in into each others sunken, vacant eyes. The unspoken message they convey is clear: “This movie is going to SUCK.” Some other stuff happens next. I can't really remember what it was because I at this point took a sip of my beverage. It was root beer - a favorite of mine - and it was so sweet and delicious that for a moment I forgot all about the horrible crap fest unfolding before my eyes. My mouth was all a-tingle with the sharp but mellow flavor of the root beer, and I almost didn't remember that I wasn't having a good time, and that I was supposed to be mindlessly praising whatever I saw on the screen, and that I couldn't get away because I rode there with a friend... Then Elron showed up. Just as in the first film, he was dressed up just like the Secret Service/FBI/CIA agent from every movie ever made. He was obviously there to do something interesting, so he copied himself, and, in what was an unbelievable coup in motion picture special effects, we see TWO of him on the screen at the same time. It was clear at this point that the filmmakers wished for us to marvel at the fact that there were two of him there, even though that particular special effect was perfected some time back during the Korean War. But the Watchowskis (or however the hell you spell that) have just learned that they can cut and paste and flip stuff horizontally with Photoshop, and they want you to be impressed. At this point, I actually heard a guy behind me say, "Whoa!" Oh, how I weep for the future. Next, Neo showed up and left really quickly just to show that he can fly. I must give credit here: the pre-flight special effect is actually pretty cool, although certainly not groundbreaking in any manner. It is one of those cool little understated graphic effects that add a bit of individuality to the character and to the movie. Which means, of course, that in this movie, it is very lonely indeed. Then some more stuff happened. Really, you think I'm being flippant, but so many scenes in this film could have been placed ANYWHERE in the movie and it wouldn't have made a difference that it is really hard to remember what happened in which order. Eventually, Neo goes to the Oracle, but before Neo gets to the Oracle, we have to have yet another pointless kung-fu fight in which absolutely nothing interesting happens and no real threat is offered. At least the guy actually looked like he might be a kung-fu expert. But the fight scenes in this movie had already been scheduled to be dull and non-threatening, so any skill the actor may actually have had was mercifully prevented from actually making its way on screen. Thanks, Hollywood. When Neo finally meets the Oracle is the first time you can really tell that the Watchowski Brothers (or however the hell you spell that) have absolutely nothing to say and no story to tell. The dialogue in the Oracle scene is the template for every other conversation that takes place in this movie. It went something like this: Oracle: "Hi, Neo. I know everything. I know everything you need to know. I know how to help you. I know exactly what you need. But I'm not going to tell you until you dance a little, monkeyboy. I'm gonna make you sit here and we'll both pretend to be philosophical and a lot cooler and smarter than we really are, and we'll have ourselves a nice, long, pointless chat during which I'll contradict everything you say in a very vague and nonspecific manner. And when you've kissed my ass enough and we've annoyed the audience a great deal, then maybe I'll spill the beans. But even then I'm going to give you just enough so that you suffer needlessly for the rest of this crap movie. Now how do you like them apples?" Neo: (staring blankly from behind ultra-hip Euro shades) "Uh. Er... huh?" Oracle: "Good doggy. You want a piece of candy? I love candy." And then the Oracle starts talking about vampires and werewolves and ghosts. No, I'm not kidding. As soon as she fucking said it, I knew they we're going to show up later. The first refuge of a crap sci-fi writer is, whenever you have nothing else to offer, to try to incorporate elements of fantasy or mysticism. It's an age old trick that has NEVER EVER WORKED. Use some of the mildly interesting elements we've set up in the prior movie to create a new and interesting villain for our characters to interact with? Shit, no, let's use vampires! And why not; the leather clad, pseudo-intellectual, self-pitying Goth angst-ers were already in the theater. That's the vampire crowd, baby! Jesus, these guys are fucking amateurs. So the Oracle leaves, and then Elron comes back to show Neo his new self copying trick, and even though they start off the conversation like they were going to be friends or work together somehow, the writers obviously thought that this would be a far too interesting turn of events that might actually engage the audience's brains in some manner. So they decided to throw in another annoying kung-fu fight. Elron makes a whole bunch of copies of himself to fight Neo, which is apparently a completely new and interesting battle tactic that the audience did not see the Insecticons use on every single episode of The Transformers back in 1985. The fight itself lasts for approximately one month, during which no one gets hurt at all, and nothing happens to advance the story in any manner. At one point Neo rips a metal pole out of the ground and swings it Sauron style, sending Elron copies flying through the air, just like that battle scene at the foot of Mt. Doom. It wasn't 'til then that Neo remembered that he could fucking FLY, so he takes off and leaves the Elron clones looking at each other stupidly while a neon sign in the background flashed "Laughter and Applause." The audience responds appropriately. Sooner or later, we get to see Zion, the last human refuge. Imagine the Death Star was built down in Moria and you've pretty much got it. There were some decent special effects of the door mechanisms and a guy driving a mech from one of the BattleTech games, but nothing to write home about. Neo walks around and gets worshipped, and Morpheus gets yelled at by another black guy (apparently white people and Asians don't last long underground, because there aren't too many down there). Then Morpheus goes to the Great Hall Of Exactingly Precise Annunciation where people know and love him. Through his enormous gapped teeth, he gives Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech, and then the cast of Bring In Da Funk, Bring In Da Noise start banging on huge weird pipes and the crowd goes apeshit. Before too long, this little scene turns into soft porn while we cut from what appears to be a mass orgy in the Cave of Many Nipples, to Neo and Trinity having sweaty sex in Yoda's little mud hut on Dagobah. Of course all of this is accompanied by the requisite, mindless nu-metal house music, which throbs like a hammered thumbnail in order to make us forget that none of this really make a whole lot of sense, which seems to be the underlying theme of this movie. Anywho... Eventually we go to a really classy restaurant where Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity meet some Italian and/or French guy named Aggravogueaddocious, or something equally improbable. He and his lady are, of course, dressed to kill in the latest breast enhancing Euro fashions while our heroes are garbed in patent leather and more sunglasses. If anyone dressed like this in real life, they would be mocked and ridiculed, but apparently this is not the way things go in the Matrix. It is at this point in the film when Aggravogueaddocious delivers the ONLY good line in the entire script - the one about cursing in French. This is a damn good line. In fact, this line is so good, I'm willing to bet the Bros. W. stole it from someone else and then wrote the scene around it just to give their crap movie a tiny speck of credibility. Just a guess. Then Aggravogueaddocious brings some lady in the restaurant to orgasm with a slice of Matrix pie. Again, I'm not joking. Aggravogueaddocious writes the code for Matrix pie, and sends this chick a slice. What sense does this make? I've stopped trying to figure it out by this point. Long story short; she eats the Matrix pie, nuts in her chair, and then makes her way to the ladies room to "freshen up" (that means she's going to wipe off her creamy cooter, for all of you out there who haven't been paying attention thus far). While this is going on Aggravogueaddocious gives our heroes a VERY longwinded version of the Oracle's speech in which he cleverly says nothing of value and establishes himself as yet another entirely interchangeable character whom the audience can immediately forget. He goes off to get head from the lady he gave the pie to, and his woman takes out heroes into the men's room to betray her man. Why? Who the fuck knows. She wants to betray Aggravogueaddocious, and her price for doing so is... wee, you'll never believe this. She wants to make out with Neo. What?! Hold the fucking phone! She's going to betray an enormously wealthy and powerful man, and in return she wants only to tongue Neo while Trinity watches in the men’s room of a pretentious upscale restaurant?! Because she wants to feel loved?! Huh?!? All logic has gone down the drain at this point, and the film degrades into a high school freshman's wet dream. This is stupid, but it's about to get a whole lot worse. After the kiss, they all go off to the big mansion to meet the werewolf/vampire creatures. Really. Stop laughing. They look just like people, but she tells the audience how bad they are, and how they come from an "old version" of the Matrix, and how they are really tough, and then she proves they're supernatural by shooting one through the head with a silver bullet and killing it. See? It died when she shot it with a silver bullet. It must have been supernatural. No normal person would have died if they were shot through the brainpan with a speeding silver slug. Makes sense to me. So then there is another Kung-Fu fight, which includes a guy fighting Neo with a fucking trident, right out of Gladiator. Neo uses the Force to pull some sai off of the wall, and then runs through a few Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle moves, Raphael style. There is a lot of jumping and dropping of weapons, but fortunately for Neo every square inch of wall space in this mansion has been covered with sharpened ninja weapons and other useful tools of death. Trinity and Morpheus go off to fight two albino ringwraiths which look like Milli Vanilli. They have a big gunfight on a freeway. Ultra powerful agents easily destroy every car on the road by jumping on them real hard, but when they jump on Trinity's car, they land softly and just can't seem to do anything useful. Go figure. Morpheus kung-fu fights an agent on top of a semi trailer while Trinity rides a crotch rocket with a weird little Asian guy on the back. They ride with traffic. They ride against traffic. Blah, blah, blah. Next two semis crash into each other head on. Even though I'm positive this is not what a collision of this type would look like, this is the coolest special effect in the movie, so I pause to give it a modicum of respect. There. Now back to the movie. Other stuff happens here. To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t tell you what, because the movie was really on my nerves at this point, and I was enjoying the last of my delicious root beer. Eventually Neo meets Colonel Sanders, who supposedly designed the Matrix. He calls himself The Architect, and he is EXACTLY like The Oracle and Aggravogueaddocious. He proves this by talking in circles in a very self important and oh-aren't-I-just-the-cat's-pajamas manner and not making any sense. He tells Neo that Trinity is going to die, and that nothing Neo does can save her, and then Neo goes and saves her anyway just to put Colonel Sanders' panties in a bunch. There is some more flying, and lots of fire, and Trinity dies and Neo brings her back to life, because, as we learned in the fist move, Neo is actually Jesus. Some more trite things happen, and then we have some really loud music and lots of green credits, which include the "To be concluded" line that the Watchowski Brothers (or however the hell you spell that) stole from "Back To The Future: Part II." I stayed for the special, ultra-secret trailer at the end, which everyone else in the theater knew about also. Apparently the next movie is going to be just like this one, but with rain. I find it difficult to contain my anticipation. Let me save you some time and money; if you've seen Star Wars, Return Of The Jedi, and either of The Lord Of The Rings movies, then you've seen this film. This movie really wants to BE those films, but with a club soundtrack and lots of Goth chic nonsense. If you really want to get out to the theater, go see X-Men 2. Give this piece of shit as wide a berth as you possibly can. See you at the movies, C-Dub |
| Name: | arch stanton |
| E-mail address: | reconn@digitalgunfire.com |
| Comments: | So the world's largest insectoid, whose sole purpose is to monitor the broadcasts of global civilization, has had nothing to say for the entire length of history's most broadcast and controversial war?
Does this mantis only rant about easy targets like Justin Timberlake and Keanu Reeves? What kind of rebel voice is that? There's no revolution there. I could crap rants against pop society. Lets see the mantis grow some balls. PS - If the mantis was killed during a surprise tomahawk missle raid at the beginning of the war, I apologize for my insensitive remarks. |
| Name: | Bethany |
| E-mail address: | Chimpbeth@aol.com |
| Comments: | I love Mantis cause they take the effort out of thinking for me and even then makes me seem more intelligent cause of my new opinionated responses. But what I would really like to see is a list of movies the mantis finds that are good. I mean it really pisses me of when I pick up the newest "Blockbuster smash" only to find that 5 minutes into I already know every 'surprise' twist they're gonna put in not to mention the whole damn plot. The last good movie I saw was Fight Club and that was a long time ago considering all the crap movies pumped out everyday. Hopefully, scince the Mantis's life revolves around evaluating the media it has seen some good movies, so, could you please post them so I don't have to keep looking. |
| Name: | Tristan |
| E-mail address: | voltanix@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | The Matrix stole ideas from old scifi movies!? What a fucking revelation! Of course they did, thats how movies work. Do you honestly think that the writers of Blade Runner, Star Wars and the like simply made up all their content? Hell no- they stole ideas from old movies and books. Yes, believe it or not, Terminator did not invent the cyborg! Star Wars did not invent the idea of laser weapons or spaceships! Wow. So I guess I can call Star Wars a piece of shit because War Of The Worlds had lasers first. New movies copy old movies. It has always been like that. Oh and Rage Against The Machine isn't Nu-Metal. |
| Name: | Benneth |
| E-mail address: | benniff@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | Hop hop, here's my rant on the evils of things, and also stuff.
A recent Cheez-String advert portrays a group of children at an anonymous school running a vaguely Fight Club-esque underground society based in their school's boiler room, wherein they illicitly consume excess amounts of the cheesy snacks. Not only are comparisons drawn between Cheez-Strings and Class A drugs (cos y'know, DRUGS ARE COOL AND REBELLIOUS therefore by proxy so are Cheez-Strings), but a shrill kiddy-voice at the end of the ad announces that Cheez-Strings are, quote, "NONCONFORMIST!". Ladies and gentlemen, rebellion has been packaged and is now available for sale on aisle five next to the Pringles. Yes, consumers, it's now possible to demonstrate your anti-capitalist ethics by buying consumer products! All the fun of fashionable faux-nonconformism without the hassle of not being able to purchase shiny objects in gaudy packaging! No longer do we need to question the all-knowing, all-seeing godlike benevolence of big business. Big business does it for us! Only in a really shitty, cynical manner! Great! Also causing me to emit illiterate rants on the evils of corporate greed this month, a Wrangler jeans advert lifts the mime gunfight sequence from series 2 of Spaced, surgically removes the humour, and reshoots it scene-by-scene in a shockingly soulless manner with Wrangler-wearing anonymous actors instead of talented comedians who know what they're doing. It even culminates with one of the actors getting an imaginary knife in the head and another "dead" guy getting up unharmed a few seconds later. This jaw-droppingly tasteless piece of idea-theivery is yet another case of unimaginative marketing scum appropriating other people's intellectual property in order to make a few more quid. They needn't worry about the genuine talents behind Spaced complaining - Wrangler can claim it's an ironic homage to the original sequence, which for me will now be forever contaminated by the memory of this fucking shameful piece of plaigaristic nonce-juice which has systematically sucked all the life out of one of my favorite comedy moments ever. That a comedy like Spaced, - the antithesis of committee-led middle of the road blandness - is now indirectly selling jeans to plebs is a sad, sad thought. One could accuse me of affecting an anti-commercialist agenda in order to appear cool. What? How dare you doubt my eternal wisdom, YOU TALENTLESS SCUM. Sorry, forget what I said just then. Anyway, I'm not at all against the actual concept of marketing per se. If that was so, I'd end up complaining about an event 900 years ago in which some blacksmith hung a "YE OLDE BLACKSMITHY" sign outside his shop to advertise the fact that it is in fact, a blacksmith's shop, rather than say, a brothel (though maybe "YE OLDE KNOCKING SHOPPE" would've drawn in more custom). No, it's not the *concept* of advertising that stirs me up into a fit of right-on Ben-Elton-When-He-Used-To-Be-Funny rage, it's the injudicious way in which most advertisers choose to deploy it. By all means advertise, but do it honestly and for Jesus' sake, make up your own jokes. Don't steal other people's ideas and pass them off as your own, as this will immediately show you up as a cynical twatfuckface who doesn't have enough creativity to do it himself. If you can't come up with your own ideas for shilling your awful produce to the populace, you probably picked the wrong career. Ah well, I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, eh. In conclusion, everyone else is wrong and I am great and should probably be given loads of money and also a mansion and nuclear-powered helicopter. Stay tuned for next month's edition, where we investigate how to appear to be more of an individual by spending ludicrous amounts of money in order to download tinny ZX Spectrum-style ring-tone renditions of top chart hits for your ugly little mobile phone. Stay tuned, kids! PS. I'm aware that I'm actually playing into the hands of advertisers in that I am spreading the word on their products by paying attention to and ranting about them. See? THAT'S how insidious marketing is! Oh no, I have unwittingly become just another cog in the faceless machine of capitalism! Noooo! |
| Name: | Sam |
| E-mail address: | sam9994j@aol.com |
| Comments: | Hi there,
waiting at the airport I recognized your site. First I send some flowers online to my great wife. And now I have got a few coins left. Your Site is great - I love it!!! Many greetings Sam http://www.md2.de |
| Name: | the magical mngki of jam |
| E-mail address: | phicollins.atemymunky@virgin.net |
| Homepage URL: | http://www.jesusoftheweek.com |
| Comments: | ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY POWER AND INFINITE WISDOM OF THE ATLANTIS MANTIS!! |
| Name: | How did I find this page? |
| E-mail address: | itdoesntmatter@hotmail.com.us |
| Homepage URL: | http://notthisone.us |
| Comments: | Concerning the Planet of the Apes Rant,
Mantis, I agree with you entirely on how sucky that movie was (ESPECIALLY the suck-ass ending), but the ending would have been obvious (i saw it coming) if you had ever seen any episodes of the 90s American TV series 'Sliders'. Given your apparent God-like omniscient knowledge and penetrative understanding of media, I am shocked to assume you haven't. For quick reference though, the ending (and the other 'planet of the apes') was actually an alternate dimension. This would be the simplest explanation. Then again, it could've been the manifestation of a hallucination Burton had while high on crack. Of course, that could explain the whole movie. - Net-Surfer who for some reason read some of the rants while he was supposed to be researching productive applications of video games. |
| Name: | theVictorian |
| E-mail address: | thevictorian___@hotmail.com |
| Comments: | The Atlantis Mantis is the finest film critic in existence. If I owned a newspaper, I'd employ him.
Another Matrix/sci-fi-cliché... why always the 80's lo-res CRT green-on-black? I *like* it, but doesn't it just seem so outré lately? (I admit to quite enjoying the film though, even if it was overblown cobblers. It was overblown cobblers.) |
| Name: | ninja |
| E-mail address: | ninja@thinkninja.com |
| Comments: | the matrix rant is a wonderful piece of writing. good job! |
| Name: | chitania |
| E-mail address: | chi@typo.co.uk |
| Homepage URL: | http://n/a |
| Comments: | godDAM! that mATRIX rant is well-developed... if only the wachowski's would read it... and learn ^_^ found it a little negative in places, but there's six-foot green insectoids for ya... i guess it was well needed - perhaps it needn't be so personal, to the filmmakers nor audience... hmmm, i just found out that one of my favorite hip hop trax has a semi-subliminal loop from a porn movie in it... anyway, i digress; the rant made contact by being very personal, at the same time it expressed it's arguments in a well-balanced informative and unbiased way - i say unbiased in the way it allowed the text to function by validating certain parts of its existance as sucessful endeavours. and at the same time creating an exposZ<caron> of the elements in which it fell unremorsefully into dull and self-admitted well-worn crevices dug by similarly pathetic failures of the dominant us industry. i remember in the theatre, when i first watched it - can't remember which scene - probably all of them ! - i was forced to turn round and observe my fellow audience, wondering if they were suffering from a similar attack of disbelief and boredom. couldn't believe what i was seeing. making that film must be like shooting someone - then standing over them with a smoking gun in hand until the cops come - then saying "err... it wasn't me..." - and believing it.
Oh yeh, the matrix? that green on black? it's Japanese. Backwards katakana mixed with numerals. Bloody pathetic! the least they could do is design their own font. But the weird thing is that screensavers i've seen aren't - I guess whoever made them didn't have a japanese font. Or didn't notice. Then again looking at their film after all their infatuations with eastern cinema, it wouldn't surprise me if they dunno what japanese looks like. i just feel sorry for yuen-woo-ping, i bet HE won't be coreographing any us movies for a while! Love and Beats chi ^_^ |